So I had a massive rant to Leisa (my community support worker) about how I feel like I have no friends and I feel like I'm going in circles and all the other stuff that's messing up my head at the moment. It ended up being quite a heated discussion

Her opinion is that I'm frustrated and bored. Well, yeah. But I'm also scared. And I explained to her about the fear and all my inadequacies and stuff. And yeah.

I mean I feel better for having ranted but that stuff...

Sometimes it feels like everybody's suicidal and there's nothing I can do to help because you're all so far away. Seriously, what's with that? How am I meant to help you, or even comfort you, when you're so far away? I wish I could. I wish I could.

I know I'm not in the best place myself, with self-harm and that, but I'm not directly suicidal either. Oh sure, I have thoughts, and a plan, and the means, but I no longer have a timeframe. I could kill myself. But I don't want to. Because...

You know, my mom really hurt my feelings today. We argue a lot and I'm used to that, but she said something really out of line today.

I was helping clean out the attic. There were tons of empty boxes up there, and we were taking them all out back to the burn barrel to get rid of them. I was at the top of the stairs, and mom told me to just slide the boxes down and she'd set them all by the back door. I slid a really big one down, and then there was a very small box. It wasn't going...

I didn't sleep well. I woke up so many times that I can't count them. My new flatmate snores. I just kept waking up. And waking up. And waking up some more.

Then my flatmate got up and had a shower. This wasn't too early, some time between nine and ten, but at that point I just gave up on the whole idea of sleep. It was obvious I wasn't going to get any more.

She left water all over the bathroom floor. Obviously doesn't use a bath mat. And hair, too. I'm not impressed....

New flatmate.
Positive: flushes the toilet, shuts the fridge, often shuts bedroom door.
Negative: eats canned fish (which is smelly), watches lots of tv, leaves water on the bench.

:/
It's so obvious how much I can't deal with strangers. Ever since she got here I've been freaking out. Unfortunately she didn't get here until late this afternoon, so my entire team will have gone home, so I can't tell anybody. Not that telling anybody would change anything anyway....

I'll be posting in HL about this in a few months. But I needed to ramble out my thoughts in the meantime.

The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never...

I lost her, it hurts so bad.

And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

My new flatmate moves in tomorrow. I've only met her once, and only briefly, so I pretty much have no idea what she's like. I know she's on the med run. I'm hoping she doesn't notice my lack of medication currently. I'm hoping she just keeps to herself and lets me do the same.

I cleaned up the house. Well, I suppose I could still vacuum and a few minor things, but for the large majority of it, the house is my usual standard of...

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Well, a good day!

Upon contemplation I think lack of sleep has been impacting my mood severely, which is actually what my key worker implied at our appointment yesterday.

Anyway, last night, or early this morning if you want to be pedantic, I didn't cut. I thought about it and I wanted to, but I didn't. I went to bed instead. And my bed felt so damn comfy. I was laying there like, omg my bed is so squishy it's giving my back hugs. Which was nice. And boded well for...