Not used by blade in 2 months...
Need it now... Need it bad...
Can't find it...
Don't know what to do...
Need pain... Need release...
Don't know where to look...
Real bad at finding things...
What's the point though?
Might as well not bother... Let myself explode...
Should just let myself go... bam

Last night I cut myself. First time in a long time. I don't remember why, or how. but its all the way up my arm. Today I woke up feeling... different. At peace somehow... Whats wrong with me?

I'm in the middle of a binge. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I want to be happy, but when I'm eating normally I'm not happy. I'm happy when I'm binging because I just forget about everything except the food, but I feel insanely guilty afterwards. I feel happy when I'm starving because I feel strong. But I can't keep that up. I always fail. I don't know how to be happy without being at these extremes.

And I've stopped eating right now, and I haven't eaten too much but I...

Too tired...
Too much work..
Too much other stuff to do...
Need breaks but can't take them...
Detention a possibility in every subject...
Not enough hours to do everything I need too...
Don't know how much ore I can take of this...
Not sure how to keep going y'know...
I'm becoming a zombie...
Can't breathe...
Can't think...
Can't eat...
Just need to sleep...

No, I don't want you to praise me. I want you to respect me. Listen to me. Trust me. I want you to know that I may be a near hollow shell but unfortunately im part of your sad fucked up life. I am not like you anymore. We are different people. I'm sick and tired of putting on a fucking fake smile on my face just to leave the house for you. I'm done father. You may hate me, but i just don't care anymore. Tell me im worthless again. I'll believe you. Hell, I think I already do.

It would be so much easier for everyone to live if i was dead. I just take up space. Today everyone has treated me like i don't do anything.

i just can't handle life anymore. I just want to say bye to all of my friends on TH and everyone else. Im gonna try to live but i can't make promises. No one is gonna read this anyways. No one will even notice or care that im gone. I don't have many friends. i don't deserve friends. I don't deserve to be loved. im just a horible, and pathetic...

Because I'll stay in bed,
Replaying all the words you said
A replay of the unemotional words,
After what I saw what you did, and even the things I heard.
I knew, I'd still love you.
Even after all we've been through.

Answer my prayers,
And come back to me
It was so strong, so hard to believe
It all went wrong.
Come back to me
I'm going to bleed for all eternity.

Why is it so important to you
...

I definitely think I have an eating disorder.

That's a scary thought. And hard to admit.

I've kept saying 'I'm falling into one'. But at some point you have to hit the bottom.

I think the fact that I can't stop now is scary. Before, I'd go through periods of being fine, or I'd even spend only half the day having disordered thoughts and behaviours.

But the last few days have made me think more about it.

The fact that I had...

Gahh, i'm so fed up..I wonder sometimes why i bother! In the space of 5 mins someone shouted fuck you at me and someone came into chat accusing me of stuff i didn't do.
Everything is my fault lately, i just cause trouble, i don't even know why i'm here anymore :/

I just want to thank all of you who have been there for me, it means a lot. You're all amazing. Don't know what i'd do without you. I really don't deserve amazing people like you. So thank you and i love you <3