I'm starting to think that the only reason things pick up in life is so when things crash back down again, it hurts ten times more....

My mom can't make me leave here, that's not fair of her; she hasn't even looked at the site she just said i'm too young to help anyone... Things just keep getting worse, life hurts too much..i might as well just leave...

I don't know how I feel right now.
I mean, I felt better after talking to Pete.
But today I was completely hyper. Like, bouncing off the walls. I got a bit irritable, but I was generally happy.
And I feel... odd now. Like, happy, but not really happy. Not truly happy.
I feel like a yo-yo. I bounce up and down, it's crazy.
But who will take me seriously when I'm suicidal if they've seen me bouncing off the walls the previous day?
I wish that I felt good all...

I saw the counselor today. Finally. He's nice.
I cried in front of him though.
Told him some stuff. My hands were shaking really violently and when I opened my mouth nothing came out so I wrote it down.
It'll take a few days minimum to get a referral so I can see him regularly.
I don't know what more I'm gonna tell him. So far I've told him about self harm, but he seems to think that I'm just a lovely person with too much on her mind.
I'm not. I don't know what...

I hate the hospitals, i hate the pain, the shouting, the lying and answering questions...They don't listen to me anyway, i feel so trapped and useless...like i can't move with in my own life...
People always find a way to stop me and i feel patheic for letting that happen. It all hurts too much....

Cut, cut, cut, pills, pills, pills

Have placement today. Tired. Just spent the last ten minutes picking drops of dried blood off my arm. Cut 'DIE' into it last night. Still hurts. I hurt. Don't want to deal with this. So many nightmares. Keep dreaming that someone wants to get me. First time it was Voldemort, second time it was some bloke called Fred who had a sister called Stacey. Except he was black and his sister was white. Might sound funny but in both dreams these people wanted me dead. They were hunting me

...

Perhaps I'll do something to my face. Cut or scratch it. It's so damn ugly.
Scar it for good so everyone can see how much I hate it.
I'm all talk. Perhaps I should actually do all this.
Cut myself as much as I want to so people can see how I feel.
Kill myself because I'm sick of this whole world.
I don't know.
I hate myself.

Stupid school health centre wasn't open.
Stupid day was shit.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I want to cut.
I can't.
Buut I want to.
I was happy earlier. After school, when my boyfriend walked me home and looked after me.
But he's gone now.
You know when you feel so empty and so worthless, you're not even sad. You don't feel sad or unhappy, you don't cry, you're not even angry. You're just numb.
That's me.
I'm trying to distract myself....

I managed to get up eventually. And I'm dressed. I might eat a rice cake. Nothing more or I'll feel sick.

I don't want to face people again.

Just let me stay on my own.

I might go have a bath. With some bubbles. The crappy ones which don't work very well but don't make me itch.

Then I'll go to bed. I don't care that it's early.I just want to be out of it. And the easiest way to acheive that is to sleep.

Why can't I just sleep forever? Why do I have to wake up?

I don't know how I'm going to get up in the morning.

I'd say I feel numb, but I also feel scared. That's the main feeling now. I'm scared. I'm scared...

I've finished the chapter for Hannah. I don't think I can do anything else today. Seriously, feel completely worn out.

I've done my best at helping people on the forum today. I've replied to a load of posts.

I want someone to help me. But not just in words. Not just talking. I need someone to physically be here.

But they're not.

I'm getting a headache.

I think I'll go sit on the bed. At least then I can pretend that I'm revising....