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The life and lies of the so called schizoaffective, paranoid enby, Raphael.
If you don't know what that means, look it up. I hate myself.
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Posted June 17th 2015 at 09:34 AM by The Darkness

I just
It's been a lot
I got back with Evan so that's a plus
I've passed my college classes, barely, so that's a plus.
I got pneumonia and for that reason I needed to quit my summer job
I can't escape my mom so she degrades me everyday
My therapist says mother's verbal abuse is just her way of saying I love you.
Of course how could I be so blind of course yelling at your child that she's useless and will never be a functioning member of society is a sure fire sign of love. Wanna know you're loved? Do they call you a whore for having a boyfriend? Then that my friend is pure love!
I've come to a point where no matter how hopeful the future seems, I mean finally being able to live on campus and continue my studies, I feel I can never escape. I've hit my low point again where all I want to do is die. Every waking moment I feel this hatred inside of me and I can't escape it. When I look in the mirror I want to throw up and spit at that disgusting reflection. I don't want to exist. I don't want to keep existing. It hurts too much, it disgusts me every time I wake up and I feel myself breathing and hear my heart beating. I hate myself so bad I wish my existence would never have happened. I hate myself so much I don't care what happens to me anymore but if it's bad I relish in the thought of me being hurt or in pain. I relish the thought of me having pneumonia because this could kill me. I love that thought. It could kill me. Wonderful words.
I can't function in the world anymore anyways. One who hates themselves this much needs to be deleted from the face of the earth.
Nothing is right. The only escapes I feel is when I'm with Evan, and especially when I feel the energies with him. But I made him sick so we probably can't see each other until we're better. Maybe that's what's killing me too.

"And so, I release this breath from my chest. As I lay to rest. Deeper and deeper with a fish.
I pray,
Peace may find me." -Moisture Residue, 10 Years
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