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The life and lies of the so called schizoaffective, paranoid enby, Raphael.
If you don't know what that means, look it up. I hate myself.
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The phrase "life goes on" terrifies me

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Posted April 1st 2017 at 10:13 AM by The Darkness

I have some to unpack. It's about friends and the feeling of losing my mind again.
I should listen to my therapist and seriously go to sleep right now but I need to write about the people I know in a space where I know they won't see.
So, let's just start with friends. I invited them to come with me to buy groceries and Erin refused while Thor ignored. Later, I see on snapchat that they're both at Kailoni's birthday party when Erin said they'll be heading home at that time so they don't have the time to help me dye my hair. Not only was I not invited to the party, probably with the defence that I "wouldn't like it because there's alcohol" or some bullshit like that. As if I'm some fucking child. I've been at parties where there's fucking alcohol, for my entire upper teenagehood I spent being dragged to parties I didn't like to go to but didn't give a shit because I had no say in it so it's not like you're protecting me or anything.
And you dare wonder why I keep thinking y'all don't like me.
When I talk about my friends to my therapist I feel so small. Like a little kid complaining that the other kids don't wanna play with me when I'm almost fucking 21 years of age.
Why am I unlikable? Why do people just don't wanna talk to me? Hang out with me? Be around me? Be my true friend?
I feel like I get such mixed signals with my friends. They say with their words that they love me and love to be around me but with their actions they barely text me, they barely invite me to things, they barely wanna ever hang out.
It's because I'm different. Because I don't smoke or drink or go out late at night. It's because I'm not autonomous like they are and don't have the confidence because of the years and years of abuse and control that it makes me incapable of being autonomous and also knowing how to make and keep friends. I'm too socially awkward. Hell even my own mother thought I had autism or something and raised and treated me as if that were true. I mean, my mom was my first bully.
I wish I could undo all that harm but I can't. Now I'm stuck this way, stuck being socially inept, being awkward and unwanted.

Now to the mind thing.
I've been highkey dissociating HEAVY like not good at all. And I'm feeling paranoid and doubting things that make me sound delusional. I start to have this feeling of grandeur again like I did at the start of the symptoms. I kept thinking, people have to gain worthy to call me by my real name, no one is truly worthy enough, so everyone else must address me as Ocean and Ocean only. You must gain your worth to call me [real name]. It's like I wanna even make that announcement at egay and make people wonder if they're worthy and then call out Sam and be like And you're not worthy of any name, you don't get to address me. In fact, don't even talk to me. type deal but that's rude and awful so maybe no.
I really don't like Sam. And what worries me is that sometimes I see them as Ultimate Enemy #1 which is what started it all symptom wise.
I also feel like I'm not even taken seriously with my concerns when I see my psychiatrists. If I go to them saying I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again and that the meds aren't working and that I'm getting delusions of grandeur n shit like that like unless I tell them I'm hallucinating highkey they won't care.
I just, I want to tell them I feel I'm losing my mind and need something better but I just don't know what. A better medication? A higher dose?? Some therapy alternative??? Doctor Assisted Suicide???? I just don't know!!
It's like, I know my own history, I know my past and my experiences. I barely met these people a little more than a year ago and they say I'm not tripping when I feel like I am??????
I tell them I'm concerned and they say to not worry so much???? The fuck??????????
It's just. I
I don't know.
I don't know a lot and it's scaring me. I feel like I'm going to have another eventual mental break and I don't want to end up There again. I don't wanna spend my entire life in and out of There.

"For a second not a single moment of my past belonged." -Punchline, Chevelle.
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