it would have been almost 3 weeks without cutting

[juanx]

Hey guys...it would have been 3 weeks without cutting but last night I reached my limits that I can take and I just can't take it any more,I thought I can beat it but unfortionatly it took over again,I just couldn't take it anymore,all this anger and lonelyness and the people I talked to,well I thought they would understand how I feel.I've cutted again and this time I almost couldn't stop myself,I need help but I'm too afraid of getting any help,I want to talk but too afraid of what they might think so I don't really know what to do anymore,this time I'm gone,I've lost myself again.I just can't take this anymore,I've been thinking of how much easier my life would be if I'm dead,all the pain and lonelyness.....gone

[Ral.]

Hey Juan,

Firstly, lasting 3 weeks is a great achievement! This is merely a relapse, everyone who has self-harmed will relapse, it's a natural stage within recovery, don't worry about it, you're really strong for making it three weeks!

Have you told any of your friends about you cutting yet? I remember you saying in a previous post that you were going to tell your best friend, how did that go?

Don't be scared to get help, walking through those doors IS the hardest part of getting help, but after you do, things WILL get better, I promise you that.

As for the suicidal thoughts, this is normal for people that are depressed, and your life would not be better if you were gone. Think about the people around you, how they would feel if you left. Think about your family, your best friend, your friends, everyone. They would be devastated if you left and you wouldn't want to hurt them, would you?

In that case, if you feel like you cannot do this for yourself, do this for your friends, your family, everyone who cares about you.

Feel free to VM/PM me if you want to talk some more.

Stay strong and be safe.
~Jack.

[juanx]

Hey jack,how u been?If I told you that I did tell my friend,I would lie cause I haven't told him yet,I can see that he has a happy life and full of love so I don't really want to upset him or bring my problems to him,he's always happy to see me come home,but recently I feel so down and lonely again so I just keep on hiding behind my plastered on fake smile to keep everyone happy but the way I'm feeling right now,I just want to give up cause I can't take this anymore,none of my family understands what I'm going thru cause they always see me smiling and the suicidal thoughts been coming to me strong lately,and I am trying to fight it but it keeps bringing me down cause there's no reason for me to fight anymore,I know my friends and family cares about me and I know that I'm gonna be sorry for leaving them behind,every day at work ime there but my mind is somewhere else,I just can't find a good and meaningfull reason to be around anymore,I know you said think of the people that cares about me but I just don't care anymore...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!I just want a happy life like my friend

[Ennui.]

Hey there,

I think that even though your friend has a good life, if he knew that you were struggling this much, I don't think he'd tell you not to talk to him! I bet he'd be really concerned and at least try and help you through this.

Sometimes you have to drop the fake smile and let someone in, let them know what's going on, because not all the time are they mind readers who will see the suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm that you get. They may not know the signs to look out for.

I think that you should sit down and talk with some of your family and friends about what is going on. You can even print out pamphlets about what it means to self harm or the suicidal thoughts so they can read up on things and learn what you're going through a bit better. They can't help you if they don't know.

You can also speak with a professional like a doctor or therapist about this, because I'm sure they'd have suggestions to help you cope, and could develop a treatment plan with you.

This is a link to a list of reasons to live. Sometimes you have to let the small things happen and make you happy, and let them build up, because your big thing is coming. You have things to do and places to go, people to meet and goals to complete, don't give that up now. There's always something, even something small.

By the way, almost three weeks is a great accomplishment! Every day, minute, hour without self harm is a good thing, so please do think of it as a good accomplishment.

-Dez

[juanx]

Thank u guys,I'll try to resolve my problems but for now,I've lost myself,I'm going insane right now,on the moment I can't stop myself,did not go to work today cause I was in pain with my fresh cuts,I'll talk to you all later......