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Please give me constructive criticism on this poem! - March 1st 2013, 05:23 AM

My innocence wasn't lost the day I drank my first beer, or smoked my first bowl. It was the day your hands, larger than mine, locked tightly. When my eyes opened wide and glazed. Bracing against the wall. Unable to breathe. My perception of people in the world shattered like glass. The pieces fragmenting and tiny fell into a blackness. Unable to be collected, placed and smoothed back into perfection. Now they've landed and they chatter, grinding and bumping together. I listen to them screech and tell me of the world, a warning piercing throughout dreams. Watch your back they scream, this one will be the same.

--
So, I've put this on a lot of websites and a lot of people will look at it but not a lot of people comment on it. I was wondering if its bad or something? Can you guys give your honest opinions?


http://strigidaeofchrono.deviantart.com/
"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Colonel Meow
   
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Re: Please give me constructive criticism on this poem! - March 1st 2013, 10:14 AM

It's pretty good, quite deep and emotional. Just unsure what subject it's on? Abuse?

I like the first "my innocence wasn't lost the day I drank my first beer", it can be quite inspiring. Overall it's sad, but good. Just confused at what it's about.
   
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Re: Please give me constructive criticism on this poem! - March 1st 2013, 10:27 AM

I like it a lot! The first sentence drew me in and made me want to continue reading. There is a lot of emotion and power in this, and you used a lot of great wording. Good job!


   
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Re: Please give me constructive criticism on this poem! - March 1st 2013, 11:50 AM

This was really powerful, very emotional, and extremely well-written. Your word choice is brilliant. It's amazing.
   
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Re: Please give me constructive criticism on this poem! - March 1st 2013, 05:29 PM

I really, really like this c: it's a little vague but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.


I'm perfectly normal; it's the rest of the world that's insane.



"He offered her the world."

"She said she had her own."
   
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