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Unhappy I get jealous of my boyfriend. How can I get over this? - June 25th 2016, 02:00 PM

Hi guys,

So I'll get straight to the point. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and he's really lovely. We have a good relationship for the most part and are happy with each other. But there's one issue I have at the moment. My boyfriend has loads of friends and always get offers to go out and do things with them etc. I on the otherhand, have no one. I'm close to my sister and of course him - but I have no other friends. Well, maybe i do have one or two, but they all have other friends they're much closer to than me, so they rarely get in touch with me or ask me to hang out anyway. It's very rare occasions. I'm not a nasty person and I am very kind and try to be polite and friendly to people but it just seems impossible to find someone that actually wants to be friends with me
Whenever my boyfriend goes out with his friends i get really sad. I just so wish I had friends I could go out with too. When I'm at sixth form not having many friends isnt really issue because I'm so busy with work and things I hardly have time for anything else but now the summer has come I'm clinging to him constantly because ive nothing else to do. He's cancelled a lot of plans to be with me instead so I won't be lonely when I have no one else to hang out with. But I hate it. I don't want him to have to stop seeing his friends because I'm a sad, pathetic loner. I don't want to be a burden on him. I want to be able to be happy that the person I love is happy. But instead I just get jealous and angry that he's popular, it makes me feel like a complete loser.
I know I'm the issue, not him. But I don't know how I solve this issue. I know people will say I need to make friends of my own but I try to but I can't seem to do it. I just end up making myself look desperate and stupid. How can I get over this and be happy for my boyfriend?

Thanks In advance
                   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I get jealous of my boyfriend. How can I get over this? - June 25th 2016, 02:08 PM

Hey!

Do you hang out with him and his friends sometimes? I don't see anything wrong with you asking to tag along every now and then. You two have been together for quite some time and joining him with his friends doesn't seem out of place. Everyone needs their own time and space, so don't ask all of the time, but occasionally going with him doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

You say that the friends you have rarely ask you to hang out. How often do you ask them to hang out? There is nothing wrong with you making the request! The honestly may just be bad at making plans. I know I am one of those people who just forgets. Not because I don't like the person, but just because I am busy. And I am always so happy when they reach out to me to spend time with them. I am sure your friends will feel the same way!

But you can't just sit back and wait for people to notice you are lonely. You need to try to include yourself more, ask your friends to hang out, go see a movie or get coffee. And ask your boyfriend if you can spend time with him and his buddies.

I know it can be hard to make new friends too. But you can always try to meet new people. How about a couples sports league? That way you can go with your boyfriend and meet new people! Or take a class put on by the city! There are always exercise classes, art classes, all sorts of things put on by the city! You just need to practice putting yourself out there. And when you do things that you love, you will meet people that love those things too. And that is how friendships are born!




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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I get jealous of my boyfriend. How can I get over this? - June 26th 2016, 04:14 PM

I think Lizzie has already touched on a important point (one of many I agree with here actually): Do you ever hang out with his friends? I know that might feel weird and, right now, might seem like it won't help, but it helped me a lot because I don't have a ton of friends where I live because I'm not from the area and most of my school friends moved away. I go and chill with his friends occasionally and that way I have a bit more of a social life - bear in mind that it is a balancing act, I make sure I don't spend so much time with his friends that I feel like I'm leeching off them for social contact / totally dependent on the for social contact / never giving him any time with just his friends, it's just a periodic thing and, trust me, it's totally ok to bring your girlfriend if your crowd is going bowling or to a movie or dinner or whatever. You could even make it into a double/triple/quadruple date for the first time or two if that makes you feel better.

One thing that I noticed is that you said your two (or so) friends have other friends closer to them than you are to them and they never make plans with you. Well, ok, but do you try to make plans with them? Whether you have or not, it really helps to assert yourself and say "Hi, I'd like to hang out, we should get coffee this week. What day works for you?" or "Hey, this movie is out that I want to see. Wanna go? What day works?" I find being specific goes a long way (e.g. want to get coffee, want to go bowling, want to see a movie) because saying "hey we should hang out someday" is soooooo vague, if I say that (or you say that), I'm probably not going to see you for another 6 months, like if you say that because you're in a rush and can't hang out and firm up plans, then you need to follow up later and basically say "so I meant it when I said we should hang out, so I was just wondering when you're free"

You can meet more people by getting involved in your community - go to events (it's totally ok to fly solo at a lot of events such as networking events), volunteer, etc. - walking dogs at a humane society is a great way to meet people, for example., you could also join a community band (the kind with violins and trumpets instead of guitars and drums), join a running group etc. and, voila, tons of people met. So good luck




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Re: I get jealous of my boyfriend. How can I get over this? - June 27th 2016, 12:58 AM

Thanks for the advice guys.
I have hung out with him and his friends once or twice before now. One was his birthday barbecue and the other was when he got invited to the pub with them at short notice while I was at his so I tagged along. I don't mind hanging out with his friends but he never really invites me to go along, and neither do they, and I don't feel I can just say "can I come?" when I'm obviously not invited for whatever reason - I feel like I'm just being even more clingy and causing him problems.

I think asking the few friends I do have to meet up a bit more is a god idea. Perhaps if I just try to show them I want to hang out and get closer then they'll return that by asking me out too. Perhaps I do give the impression I'm just not all that interested by never really reaching out to them, because I'm afraid of rejection.

In terms of putting myself out there more. Id really like to do that. But I'm a really shy and awkward person and I get very nervous in social situations. I just never know what to do and end up making myself look weird and get laughed at. How can I get over my shyness? How can I handle social situations better?

Thanks all x
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Re: I get jealous of my boyfriend. How can I get over this? - June 27th 2016, 12:59 PM

The best way to "get over" being shy and awkward in social situations is to, well, be in social situations. I know plenty of people who are still shy in social situations but they're able to go without a serious case of fear of doing something wrong / weird / awkward holding them back.

I think it helps to start small, like don't start by going to big parties (unless, of course, you take comfort in knowing a large crowd will allow you to blend in unnoticed if you're uncomfortable). You can always have your boyfriend go with you too. Eventually it gets easier to go out there.




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Re: I get jealous of my boyfriend. How can I get over this? - June 30th 2016, 07:13 AM

Try to socialize more with people. I think that would help you.
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