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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Question another case of overthinking minor details... (defining our relationship? how to act in school?) - February 12th 2017, 04:41 PM

So last week I told my crush that I like him, and after going on a sort of date (it was literally just hangin out, walkin around town together. super chill) he said that he likes me too. Since then we've been on a couple more "dates" (Hanging out at his grandma's, going to a tea shop, etc) and they went really, really well.
I'm just nervous for school to start again, because all this happened during the holidays so no one other than our close friends knows that we have a *thing* going. I guess I just want to ask him how serious this *thing* of ours is to him and how he would define it... like, are we boyfriend-girlfriend or are we still at that stage where we're getting to know each other and we go on dates but we're not together. I want to know what he'd be comfortable with at school, if he'd be okay displaying affection etc. or if he doesn't feel like we're at that stage (or if he's not the kind of person who displays affection anyways). As in, should we kiss hello?? Is holding hands okay?? The thing is, when it's just the two of us it's totally fine because I just go with what feels right. But when i'm in a social situation it's just diferent somehow, I don't quite know how to explain it. I know it's dumb and childish to worry about details like that, but I'm a pretty insecure person when I'm around big crowds and anything I might usually worry about gets multiplied by ten. Also in my last relationship we didn't talk about what the other was comfortable with when in social situations, and I found out at the end of our relationship that he had purposefully been avoiding any kind of contact in school, but he never told me about this so I always assumed that he was just a bit awkward and I would have really liked to be able to act "together" with him around others; so yeah that was really hurtful and I don't want it to happen again, which is why i'm thinking so much about it now.
Right now we've awkwardly kissed goodbye a few times and at the end of dates we'll hold hands, so to me that already suggests that we're "together" in some way, but I feel like I should talk to him about it just so things are 100% clear and I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him. As for the whole what-should-we-act-like-at-school situation I really don't know how to talk about it casually, without sounding like a maniac who worries over every single detail.

Anyway yeah it's a minor glitch but it's a glitch nevertheless, so if anyone has any suggestions or advice it would be much appreciated

((also sidenote: it's been such a long time since I've been on this website!! but I really hope to become part of the community again!!))


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Re: another case of overthinking minor details... (defining our relationship? how to act in school?) - February 13th 2017, 12:02 AM

I don't think it's silly and childish to worry about this sort of thing. Lots of people have relationship anxieties, even adults; it's perfectly normal, so don't worry about that. I can see why it'd be especially worrisome if there wasn't clear communication in your last relationship and you only found out at the very end that your partner was unhappy. That's bound to cause insecurities and I can see why you'd want things to be clear with your current partner.

It sounds like there's good indicators that this is something more than a friendship if you've kissed and held hands. However, I do want to point out that it's still really early on; it's only been a week. Personally I feel it may be a bit too early to have the "are we boyfriend and girlfriend" talk if he only just told you he likes you last week; he may feel a bit of pressure if you ask that right now. It sounds like to me you're having a good time together and that's what matters most. While it might be frustrating to "not know" what's going on for the moment I would give it a couple of weeks before you ask him if he's your boyfriend. Give things some time to settle and that may be a more successful conversation than it may have been otherwise.

I do, however, think that it's perfectly acceptable to ask about displays of affection at school, especially since you're so anxious about it. Good relationships are built on honest and open communication. It's a process that happens over time but it's good to try and make that a habit now. I suggest approaching it casually, perhaps something along the lines of the following:

"Hey, I just want you to know I've really enjoyed spending time with you this past week. I'm really happy with how things are going. I wanted you to know I'm having a bit of anxiety, though. I know at this point only our friends really know we've gotten as close as we have. I was wondering how you want to act around each other at school. Is physical affection okay, or would you prefer not to engage in that sort of thing at this point?"

I think something like that would open up a dialogue were you could work together to find something that works for you. It's a reasonable question and I hope he's open to hearing what you have to say.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything else.
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Re: another case of overthinking minor details... (defining our relationship? how to act in school?) - February 13th 2017, 06:17 AM

Hey Skye,

I understand where you are coming from because if I were in your place, I'd be freaking out in the same way.

I agree with Jordan, it definitely looks like you have more than friendship going on with the kissing, holding hands and telling each other you like them. Honestly, a week is a really small time to figure out a relationships and to get comfortable with each other. Like you said, you kissed awkwardly so for it to get to a comfortable level, I'd say give it a little more time and few more dates so you can get to know each other better.

The only way to make a relationship work is, to be honest and communicative. If you have concerns and fears, you shouldn't be afraid to voice them because like it is said, if someone really cares for you, they won't judge you by your fears. You could try something along the lines of what Jordan said to try and get him to open up about how he feels about behaving at school. You could also tell him how you are anxious about it and you'd like to discuss it before you both go back to school. I am sure he will understand and for all you know, he might be going through the same dilemma. You won't know until you speak to him about it and it is always better to take the leap and have the conversation rather than sit quiet and suffer anxiously.

Good luck. Let us know how things work out. I am around if you'd like someone to talk to.
Kav.


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Re: another case of overthinking minor details... (defining our relationship? how to act in school?) - February 13th 2017, 09:10 PM

Hey there,

It isn't silly or childish to think about details like this at all. In fact, I think it shows how much respect you have for him because of the way you're taking what he would be comfortable with into account. That's a wonderful, mature way of approaching the situation.

While conversations like this always feel awkward at first, it's so important to communicate about this and any other concerns/questions you have. Since you mentioned that you'd like to approach the situation as casually as possible, I'd recommend saying something like "I've really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you over break. Since things are still so new between us, I was wondering how you wanted to act when school starts up again. What are you okay with? What are you not comfortable with?" Give him the opportunity to share his thoughts on the situation and then follow up with your own feelings about it if there are things that are significantly different. When you're open with each other about where you're at, it's more likely that you'll be able to reach a place where both of you are comfortable.

All of that being said, I would recommend waiting to ask about whether or not he is your boyfriend. While it's understandable that you're curious about how serious he sees things with you becoming, a week really isn't that long and it could make him feel rushed or insecure about the way he is approaching things. For now, focus on enjoying getting to know him and have fun spending time with him. In a few weeks, if things are still going strong, consider bringing the status of your relationship up. But, for now, just enjoy the newness of it.

Take care,
Sammi


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Re: another case of overthinking minor details... (defining our relationship? how to act in school?) - February 15th 2017, 06:37 PM

Thanks for your replies! As you all suggested I plan to ask him simply what he would be comfortable with at school and go with whatever he says.

However! About the "is he my boyfriend" issue, I feel like I need to clarify a few things just so you can better understand where I'm coming from. So here are some things which might be useful to know: 1- he has barely any relationship experience, and has never properly dated anyone; he was forced into things by friends in primary school with girls he didn't know but that's all, so he's never had anything exactly meaningful in terms of romance. Therefore I imagine that any kind of "action" (hand holding, kissing, etc.) is likely more significant to him than it would be to someone who sort of dates around. 2- he invited me over to his house, I had lunch with his parents... which seems significant enough to me. (and they all knew my name so he told them about me beforehand).

I really hope this doesn't sound self-centered lmao but part of me is wondering... what if -- given that he has little experience with romance and may be a bit naive with that stuff -- he just assumes that we're "together", because that's what you see in movies and that's the mainstream romantic view? I'm torn between "what if he already assumes we're 'together' and me asking him if we're together will hurt him because he thought I was just as certain of our togetherness as he was" and "what if he's taken aback because there's no way he would consider us as 'together' at this point and me asking him makes him feel pressured?"

it's kinda ridiculous but yeah that's where my mind is going.


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Re: another case of overthinking minor details... (defining our relationship? how to act in school?) - February 17th 2017, 12:56 AM

Hi,

I am glad that some of our replies helped and I hope asking him solves some of the confusion you are facing right now.

Coming to the next part, I understand what you are saying about his past and how it could change things for you. Yes, there is a possibility that he thinks you are already together and there is still the possibility that he doesn't. I went through something similar back in high school and I did the most cliched thing possible. I asked him, "So, my friend P was asking me if you were my boyfriend. I haven't really told us much about her much so I wanted to ask you what I should say." He knew P wasn't a very close friend and he thought I was asking him to make sure if I can tell others apart from close friends. The truth was I asked him because I really need to know for myself.

You could try something along those lines. You could also ask him what you should introduce him to your school friends as. Do you say friend, boyfriend or do you just say his name? You can stress on the fact that you don't want him to be uncomfortable and that is why you are asking him all this. I am sure he will understand.

I am not sure how helpful this is but when I was in your situation I pretty much did things instinctively and asked whatever questions came to my mind. It worked for me somehow and I hope it works for you too.

Let us know how things turn out, okay? Good luck. <3

Kav.


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