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New Events. (Triggering)

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Posted March 16th 2013 at 01:05 AM by Ennui.
Updated May 24th 2013 at 03:28 AM by Ennui.

Okay so I am 100% exhausted and look and feel like hell. So this blog may or may not make sense and it may or may not be long.

As some of you may or may not be aware I told my mom about everything that is going on in my life and it felt as if she brushed off the suicidal thoughts. I told her that I don't feel like I'll be living much past graduation and she brushed it off as just thoughts. Little does she know that I have pills.

The cutting has gotten worse and I'm sorry to the people I've told I'd go to first but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to give it up yet and maybe that's part of the problem but I have so much going on and I shouldn't be making excuses, I know. I haven't cut in two or three days now but before that there were a few days in a row and I bet if I weren't tired to the point of near emotionlessness I probably would have been these past few days too.

I told J about telling my mom. She wants me to write another letter when I am out of this tired haze and in it tell her how I feel about how she reacted and how I want her to react. I told her I would, but now I'm again wondering if I should. I don't feel as if I'm ready to try this for a third time. It took me almost a damn month to tell her this after all. I told her I'd draft it but I have the excuse of being too damn tired to bother. I don't know how long that'll last but I see her Friday.

She was going over some of my options with me as well. Some things that she'd suggest.
  • Taking a break. - With that option I'd beasically be taking a couple day break from everything, basically inpatient. I told her straight up no I can't do this because I have school and missing one day was hard enough let alone multiple.
  • Multiple times a week after school sessions with someone. - I can't do this because I'm busy.
  • Nutrition and Exercise. - I'll try. She said she's looking in to the nurse at the program because she also focuses on nutrition and all of that. But, good luck with nutrition. I'm such a picky eater, my diet's limited. Exercise... Well we'll see. She recommended I at least walk back and forth in my room and do jumping jacks for five minutes a day. That won't be too hard.
  • Seeing a psychiatrist for medication. - I don't want to. I am bad at swallowing pills and everything. Ugh. Not to mention my mom is adamant against it so good luck convincing her. I'd consider it only after the nutrition part is deemed a failure. But something that scares me about that is that I don't want to rely on the medication to feel happy. She said that she feels as if whatever this is has progressively worsened, but I told her that it's just me being more open with her now that I gave the letter. I also told her how I have loads of lows, even on a good day I can get a low even temporary or it can fluctuate. I also told her that now I'm in this sick-tired fog and don't feel much emotion and she basically said... Well I don't remember exactly what she said but the fact that I have all these lows and my immune system probably sucks would be a reason to medicate. When my middle school psychologist suggested I medicate I was pissed at her and hated the idea. But I trust Jamie and always hated my middle school psychologist so I trust her opinion more.

I feel really bad because I feel as if I'm rejecting all of her options and when she asked me what I want from my mom, I don't really know at all. I don't know what I want anymore and maybe I'm resisting the help a little bit and maybe that's a bad sign but I just maybe don't know.

Skills USA is on the 28th and I'm so unprepared for that and I have a science test I'm so unprepared for and gah. Lots going on.
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  1. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there Dezi! First off this post made total sense to me, but then again I'm good at making sense of the nonsensible hehe.

    I'm very very proud of you for not giving into urges the past few days, keep it up! I know it's hard but you can do it, take it 1 day at a time, 1 second, 1 minute, 1 hour, etc. You'll be amazed at how well that works to overcome this.

    As for all the options that were given to you, I agree with all of them (1 way or another) except for the last 1 (except unless as an ultimate last last resort).

    Taking breaks, even individual breaks from people very well could be beneficial to you. You really need to focus more on yourself at this moment.

    Going along with the above, talking to some1 that can help you sort things out is a very good idea. I know you're busy with school and stuff but remember you have great friends here that can help you out as well, like me. Who knows, maybe the more you open up about things the more you'll come to realize what actually is bothering you, I know I've had that happen at times.

    Exercising a few times a week definitely will help out as well. Doing jumping jacks, sit ups, pushups, etc. 15 mins to an hour a few times a week is a start. :) I know how being a picky eater could cause problems with eating healthy, I'm also picky too, but try to get a list of healthy foods/snacks that you do like and try to focus on them more then the "junk foods".

    Now as for the last 1, hopefully you don't have to go that route, I know you really don't want to and honestly I don't blame you. If all else fails though and eventually you do start to consider this as a possibility and you're able to talk to someone about it, make sure you tell them your concerns, etc. That you really don't want to do this but not sure what else to do, etc. They'll work with you and help you get things right.

    Just hang in there Dezi, things will get better and work themselves out. You know where I am always!
    permalink
    Posted March 16th 2013 at 01:51 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  2. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    Hey beautiful.

    Here's the thing: Depression is a medical illness. It's caused by a lack of serotonin and sometimes incorrect amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine. This is why if it goes on for a long time, and environmental factors aren't the major cause, that people suggest medication. What happens with the medication is simple: it builds the levels of the chemicals in your brain back up to normal, and then supplements that level once the right level has been achieved. They don't work straight away, they often take a month or two to have any real effect. People usually stay on them for between 6 months and 2 years, and they come off gradually and are monitored as they do so. Understanding that it is a medical issue, to do with brain chemicals, for me was an important part of accepting medication as an option. Personally I think discussing it with a psychiatrist is a good idea, just because you see a psychiatrist doesn't mean you have to agree to medication after all.

    With regards to inpatient or similar - sometimes there are options that allow you to continue to go to school and do your other commitments, but simply live somewhere else for a bit, and have help with the basics like eating, sleeping, personal hygiene, and staying safe. I don't know what the options are in your area but it might be worth asking Jamie if there's anything like that.

    Nutrition and exercise have both been proven to have an impact on depression, but if you have no energy then that's going to go nowhere. You could ask your Mum (or whoever is in charge of groceries and cooking) to look at healthier options, but for now I think what you probably really need is some decent rest, so you actually have energy to do things with.

    You're doing really awesomely. Keep it up, the other side is totally worth it. <3
    permalink
    Posted March 20th 2013 at 04:16 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
 
 
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