Never before have I scared a therapist so much that she doesn't want me to have access to my own medication. She wants me to get a safe and give my mom the key, but I am not going to do that. Never before have I ever had a therapist call me sounding panicked because with the email I sent she was worried and wanted to talk to me to make sure I didn't have any intent to harm myself. Never before have I needed daily check ins. I guess there's a fist time for everything.

I don't have...

My prescriber and I were having a conversation the other day.

She said something that's staying with me. She doesn't think there will be a time where I'll meet with her and say "I feel great!" I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions, any type of emotion, and go off the deep end quickly. We decided we are satisfied when I feel numb. Numb isn't impulsive. Numb isn't too depressed to function or doing something stupid while hypomanic.

But her not thinking that...

I've been having ear issues again for a while lately so I visited an ENT today. She said that as far as the ears, there are a few things that could be going on. One possible thing that could be an issue is my braces. They are realigning and shifting everything and sometimes that can cause pain in the ears, combined with tooth grinding. I also had wax and a hair in my ear, LOL. She wanted to clean it out today, but I absolutely panicked and couldn't do it. After growing up with ear issues, having...

My medication prescriber wanted me to get more intensive care and suggested IOP because it’s intensive and also involves group therapy so I can get feedback and connect with people. I had the intake today.

They didn’t inform me of the fact I’ll have to take a drug test today and that I’ll have to randomly take them to get treatment. I am not even here for the substance use side of things and am kind of angry because although it’s a reasonable request I get very pee shy and if they’re...

I've been seeing a lot of doctors lately for a lot of different things, and none of them are really giving me any answers. It started last fall and has been a nonstop issue ever since.

Some of my providers have been concerned about my tachycardia, or too fast heart rate. I saw a cardiologist who had me on a monitor and said it's all anxiety, so I'm on a new medication that lowers the heart rate and also can have added benefits of helping me with my anxiety and helping prevent some...

My mental illness won. Again. Again it made me give up a potential amazing opportunity without even trying. I was going to apply for funding for my thesis but I'm too depressed to bother and my advisor told me it's not worth it to push myself for something I'm probably not going to be proud of.
But now regardless I'm not going to be proud of the finished product. Because my mental illness won. Again. I gave up. Again. It always wins.

I hate being functionally mentally ill because...

I've been overwhelmed for weeks. It seems like my workload is only increasing and I don't have any time to sit and just relax anymore. Individual projects, group projects, other classwork, exams, committees, organizations. You name it, I'm in it. I don't really socialize anymore either.

I'm getting really run down and overloaded and overwhelmed and depressed. I haven't been to the gym in like two or three weeks and I've been eating like shit and have gained tons of weight. I've been...

This was a tough semester. I struggled a lot more than I thought I would. Between classes, stress, being sick literally almost the entire semester, having a self harm relapse, and crying in one of my favorite professor's office a few times, I was ready to give up on everything.

But, this semester is almost over. Two of my classes are completely done with and I have As in both of those. I'm getting a B in one class and while that's tough for me, I'm slowly accepting it.

...

I’m not okay in a different way than normal. The depression is hitting me in ways it never has before.

It hurts so bad

I’m closer to killing myself than i ever have been before.

I want to do damage.

But i won’t. I’ll jusg go on and smile and pretend everything is great while secretly hoping I drop dead tomorrow.

l o l

These blogs will probably get more infrequent, as it's starting to slow down a bit.

I'm not sure what exactly happened today. I woke up this morning and my breathing felt weird, but it's also very hot out so I figured it could be asthma. My chest is itchy from a rash I have, maybe from the heat, so I turned on my phone camera to look at it and.. My face just didn't feel right? It just felt like that shouldn't be my face. The features weren't right? The forehead was wrong and the chin...