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picking up the pieces. *poss trig?*
Tags almost breakup, boyfriend, crying, cutting, distant, low, sad, self-harm, struggling, tired
E & I fought for the first time last night. At first it was just a stupid habit of mine that was annoying him, but it quickly morphed into something worse. He told me that my sadness is hurting him, and our relationship. I’ve been asking about whether or not it was bothering him recently, and he always denied being in any emotional pain what so ever. When I asked what had changed, he said he realized I wasn’t getting better. That he wasn’t hurting when he thought I was getting better, or at least trying to get better, and that it’s hard to be happy with the person you love when they’re sad or crying or cutting themselves. He said he loves and cares about me but me doing this to myself is hurting him, and is hurting our relationship. He said he loves me he really does but the sadness hurts him because he can’t help me. He said he’s tired of the sadness and he just wants me to be positive and happy again.
I get it. I really do. But honestly, I don’t know if I can be happy. I guess it’s one more person I have to put that fake smile on for. He said he still wants to be with me, but he just wants a happy girlfriend. I love him, more than anything, and I don’t know what to do. This sadness, depression, whatever the fuck you want to call it is ruining my life and not only my relationship with E, but everything else too. My grades are slowly slipping, from mostly A’s and high B’s to mostly B’s, and almost C’s. For the first time, I’m dreading getting my report card. I will probably have to explain myself to my parents, with the disappointment in their eyes. I come home from school & binge and cry my eyes out and slice up my thighs, when nobody else is home. I don’t know what to do. Nobody takes me seriously, so what does it matter? Even my therapist thinks all of this will go away eventually. For once, can my problems quit being treated as “teenager issues”? Like, seriously? I’m tired of people saying, “Oh it’s just a phase, your young, it will pass”, or “by the time you’re in your twenty’s, you’ll look back on this and think it was absolutely absurd”. When I told E a couple of days ago that I didn’t even really want to stop cutting anymore, because I just didn’t give a fuck anymore, he said he knew. When I asked how, he said that I wasn’t being proactive about stopping. Part of the reason we fought in the first place is because he was getting mad that I was letting the sadness get the best of me, and he didn’t know what to say anymore to help me cheer up. He said it was hurting him that he couldn’t help me.
I don’t want to lose him.
We fought/argued or whatever over text almost the whole night. At some time between 1:30 and 4 in the morning he texted me and told me he was sorry and he loved me so much and to please forgive him. I love him more than anything, I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to be the reason we didn’t work out. We didn’t break up, thank god. But it sure did feel like it. I sobbed and cried and argued/fought with him until 12:30 when I fell asleep, but I woke up multiple times and it was an ongoing thing every time we woke up. I barely got 4 and a half hours of sleep. 
I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve been kind of selfish lately, with me being depressed and all. I know I’ve been asking E to be way too strong, for the both of us. But I don’t know what to do. Now I can’t even tell him how I’m really feeling? Now I don’t even have somebody I can tell that I’m not happy? I guess I’ll just have to plaster a smile and some positivity on my face and in my texts, or actually work on it and actually try. Recently I’ve been having this “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. Like, I don’t give a fuck if I scar my skin by cutting. I don’t give a fuck if this is ruining my life. I don’t give a fuck, because I can’t be happy anymore. I don’t give a fuck because this is the lowest I’ve been.
Brrreeeaathhhheee. 
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Comments
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It's ok for people to fight in relationships, it's healthy to have arguments every once in awhile! I can understand that E is sad because you're sad, but him just wanting you to be happy again isn't going to work. He needs to help you, you need him to be strong and of course he can be sad and grieve and be tired but you need someone strong to rely on.
It's ok for your grades to slip. It happens to all of us, its ok!
I know how easy it is to just not give a fuck about cutting and it's so difficult to stop but you need to try honey. Talk to E about getting him to help you stop, that's a step towards happiness.
Being depressed is NOT being selfish! If you feel that you can't tell E that you're unhappy, meet up in private and talk to each other about what you two are feeling, how you're coping, about everything! About your grades, about your new school. Talk it out. You can help each other.
Stay strong <3
- Sam.
P.S- give your therapist a slap in the face for me, please. They're a dick for saying those things to you.Posted October 9th 2012 at 06:27 PM by Samwise
