Fat, stupid, useless. Not working. Not doing anything worth doing. Stupid girl. You don't deserve to live. Seriously, you don't. You're so fat. And ugly. And unlovable.

Christmas was ok. Pretended im happy, and better. It all just seemed like a blur. Too much happy people. I almost tricked myself for a while that i was happy. I don't think im ever going to get better. I wish i was. Felt so low yesterday. ive felt like that all of last week too. I was (somewhat) a little happier for about 2 weeks. I actually believed i would get better. yeah right, i don't think im ever gonna be better or happy.
All i wanted to do yesterday was to be alone and cut. I didnt....

Haven't posted in awhile...
That makes me feel that I put a pause on my life. This blog is the only thing that listens to me...
Now, let's see...

Three days so far. Three days ago Jose Esquivel asked me out. It's going good...
Truthfully though. He's the only one I talk to. The only one I text 24/7 . I hate it.
I text other people too. But their all guys. They are all my friends. But even still, I feel like such a whore.

Speaking of friends,...

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Not sure what to think!
I haven't cut... That's a good thing right?
But I was sad.
Lonely.
Afraid.
I needed to do something.
I'm screwed my stomach up to say the least.
I sat there scratching away.
Parts of it bled.
And I feel like I've let myself down.
It was either 3 or 4 months
months!
And I go do this.
I don't know whether to keep counting.
It wasn't with a blade.
I was meant to keep my nail blunt anyway....

We're moving. rob and me tallked about where we are going to put our stuff, and what not,

I go to work for 2 hours and him and his mom talk, and everything changes

they only tell me things if/when I have to know. or if they need my help. Im so tired of it...

I dont live here. People that live somewhere have a say in what goes on. I dont. Im just staying here....

I'm trying to keep smiling and happy and all that other festive shit. Really, I am.
Just feels like so much pressure. Don't be at all bothered by that horrible dream, just get on with the day. Clean up, eat, breathe, wash, work. Do everything that needs done.
Come about 4pm it's like everything just slows down and there's nothing left to do.
There's a card for my grandad outside my room for my brother and I to sign. Dad wants us both to walk down and give it to him. I don't...