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The life and lies of the so called schizoaffective, paranoid enby, Raphael.
If you don't know what that means, look it up. I hate myself.
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Ah TH...

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Posted December 30th 2012 at 10:15 AM by The Darkness

Oh TH I simply adore you!
So lately, ugh, I don't even want to bring it up, but I will.
So I mentioned in one of my threads that I lashed out at a website and that they got offeneded, etc. I went and apologized but they began to taunt me and such so I decided to not only leave the site, but leave the fandom entirely. It's my favorite book and it sickens me to leave the fandom but they just ruined it for me. I felt so dreadful throughout the entire day but I shrugged it off, thinking, well, it wasn't that great of a site anyways and I shouldn't let others bring me down. So I slept the entire day and omg my dream.
So I had the most nicest dream I've had all month. I guess what fueled the dream was reminescing on my first kiss and me researching the Illuminati.
So basically it was the end of the world and some flood was coming around and everyone got in this big metal ship or something and my boyfriend (Jeff) was there and all. Me and my family got on the ship alongside Jeff's family and then everyone got lost and scrambled and so much chaos on the ship. We were all on the ship for days, maybe years, I dunno. The people of the ship created a sort of society, filled with school and everything. The school wasn't really accounted for, the grades were worth nothing 'cause, I mean, the world ended. Endlessly throughout school I'd worry and wonder over him and sometime's I'd skip classes to look for him but I never found him. My grades were crap, but the world ended so it wasn't the end of the world. So then, eventually, we landed on some sort of island civilization where it was just this big market and everyone got off the ship and it was a huge island but I foolishly saught him out. I searched for hours on end and I saw a lot of people I knew from both the internet and real life. I was about to give up when I spotted some blue fruits and somehow that was an indicator that he was there or something and I looked up from my fruit viewing and lo and behold, there he was, that perfect son of a beast. He stared at me and I ran to him, pouncing on him in a large embrace. I could smell his scent and feel his unique presence (I have this sort of 6th sence where I can determine who the person is by just feeling their presence, more on that later, maybe) and I held him close and I was so filled with joy of finally finding him and I began weeping and he layed me down in front of everything and I began to smother him in kisses. He pulled away at one point, still holding me and whisptered "can we just make out?" And I continued to just kiss him but he insisted until some lady came and cleared her throat (I think she was a teacher) and told us to get up and no PDA. So we got up and he grabbed my hand and ran away with me. We were just running around the island, hand in hand, talking and shouting and overwhelmed with joy. Then, at the corner of my eyesight, I saw like a sort of menu button so I looked directly to it and it opened a menu showing like a game progress or something. It was too weird. So then I rush him into a unisex bathroom (they had bathrooms and plumbing and everything at that island!) And it looks like it's gonna become rated M but then I wake up when it gets good.
When I woke, I could smell his smell in the air and feel his presence strongly. I think I still do, a bit.
Oh but it eliminated all bad feels for the day! When I went to check up on the site situation, I didn't feel all that bad! A bit, but just a little.
So then, later in the night of the day, I called him to tell him about it. He usually thinks my dreams are silly and rediculous, and this was no exception.
He sounded better than he did the last time I called him. Which made my day a little brighter, I guess. We chatted actively which also brightened it up a bit. In fact, I think my day would've been made if it wasn't for the end of the call.
Usually when I call him and he has to go, I say I love him. He usually responds with, "you too" 'cause his mom doesn't know about us and it would be awkward to declare love to a friend. But this time, he responded in "ok".
Now, I know I shouldn't get all worked up over it. I know I should just let it go with a oh he was just...something but THAT'S JUST IT, I can't think of any reason else why he wouldn't reply with "you too" as he always does other than he doesn't love me anymore.
I've been feeling lately that his love has either diminished or has gone out entirely and he either doesn't realize it or doesn't want to hurt me (he's very kind and caring) or he wants to confirm these feelings. Thing is, I don't wanna bring it up because either I know what he'd say or I'm afraid of what he'd say.
And plus, I can't really determine if that's true or if it's just my suspicion because of distance. I mean, I can't be for sure if he really doesn't love me anymore because I don't see him everyday or every week and I haven't seen him since October and probably won't see him till Febuary.
I shouldn't freak out like this over a little "ok". I mean, in our call was a million other reasons to which he does still love me. I just, I'm too insecure.
Also, today, I got GO Launcher and GO Locker for my phone and I filled the home screens with ponies and the lock screen is simply perfect and ooh I love my phone even more! I hope to have it forever!
My love is infinate and streaches out to both animate and inanimate beings and objects.

"Your touch is what I'm missing,and the more I hide I realize, I'm slowly losing you"-Comatose, Skillet.

God I hate editing these posts on my phone.
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