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The life and lies of the so called schizoaffective, paranoid enby, Raphael.
If you don't know what that means, look it up. I hate myself.
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Insanly annoyingly pathetically obsessivly psycho bitchy

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Posted January 19th 2013 at 07:20 AM by The Darkness
Updated January 19th 2013 at 07:26 AM by The Darkness

I know, I know.
I've called him for a week. And he never answered until today. Except he didn't answer. His mom did. Which isn't a big deal, it's a house phone, but I didn't get to talk to him because he was away. Which is fine. I'll just call tomorrow.
My brain is going all over the place with this, saying he made it so his mom would lie so he can avoid talking to me because he hates me and wants me away but he's to afraid to actually call off the relationship and doing all that avoiding stuff so I could take a hint or get tired or something so I can just call it off.
My brain's crazy.
But you don't know how much I'm trying to shove those thoughts away. It's a desperate struggle, like trying to climb out of a huge ditch when it's raining and muddy and sandy and I can't climb and the rain is filling the ditch and I can't swim so I'm slowly drowning like getting out of quicksand. I can't handle it.
I made a revelation the other day while writing a 3 page letter to him, one that I'll never give to him but will probably tell him about it briefly. Writing unsent letters comfort me.
The revelation was probably a stupid one that I should've known oh so long ago, but I've only started to wrap my head around now. And the revelation was fueled by two things: "Being in a relationship is like being a fangirl, both of which you have to be careful with." -Mr. Lim, and "You don't go according to the world, the world goes according to you. And I want that." -Me.
I also mentioned some analogy with the path of life and a dog following you to self harm. I can't remember it now because it's not that relevent to the revelation. It was really cool though.
I find that I've led my heart run recklessly even though I knew my heart wasn't mentally there. Like letting your severely autistic child run and play free on the streets without keeping watch of him. I've let my heart run free without being protected and let it become completely and utterly obsessed. Like being a fangirl. Suddenly, everything and anything that happens that's connected to him affects my heart severely because brain puts rotten apples in her apple juice. If he doesn't answer the phone, brain gives rotten apple juice to heart and the juice is labeled "Avoidance". If, for example that one last post time when he said "ok" instead of "you too" when I said I love him, brain gave heart rotten apple juice labeled "Not Loved". And since heart is a little child, it's highly influenced by the brain that feeds it. And then heart begins to destroy itself because of the strong feelings. And heart hurts me. And then I go insane. As I am now. I wasn't a reasonable fangirl, I let the best run out and turn and kill me. And I fear, like most fangirls, when that happens, I will get disinterested and leave. But I highly highly HIGHLY HIGHLY highly highly doubt that is going to happen. Like HIGHLY.
I knew he's always taken his own way. Of course he doesn't comply with society, he's mother fucking Jeffrey for god's sake. But since I'm so desperate to find sanity and a sense of normality, I saught what was common and just and "right" when it came to my confusions and doubts and sadness and problems and whatever. And that led me to wonder if what he was doing, how he was behaving, how he was treating me, was the "normal" way. And since to many it wasn't, that's when my doubt began.
Although, the entire him leaving facebook for a while after our little qualm and claiming he can't access it but seemingly updates his status every now and then still doesn't set with me right. Not at fucking all and that's the only proof I believe my brain on and it fucking pisses me off why I'm cursing goddamn it's not that I'm pissed off that he stopped talking, it's all cool after all it's me he's stopped talking to, I just can't stand the fact that it could be a lie.
That or he did in fact couldn't access his facebook but when he did and posted, he never messaged.
Though, I still believe brain. He posted when he said he couldn't access it. That's the only thing I don't believe him in.
I just don't want any lies or secrets or hidden stuff between us. Why I'm going to tell him this. I don't want to be lied to because when the truth comes out, I won't be able to trust him and I want to trust him.
Plus it fills me with fears. What if he claims he can't go on but forgets that lie because he's talking to someone else there omg don't be that girl Jane just don't.
Brain. Stop. Don't make me think that way.
Even though it would make sence why he'd do that. I'm insane. And nobody wants that.
I always break down when I think of that. I can think of every single other doubt and fear like him lying or him not keeping true to his word, and even the scary fear doubt of him not truly loving me and it actually ending up like what's happening to Anepictimelord and Papyruswriter. She never truly felt she was in love, but she thought she should just say it.
Although, one of his mottos/thoughts/code/whateverthehellitis is "Don't say anything not worth saying" or something.
Am I making that up? I don't know, but somewhere it says that he wouldn't be just saying that he loves me just 'cause. He doesn't believe in that, I know.
Am I making that up?
But I always break down at the thought of him leaving me because he's found someone far more beautiful, with nice smelling, neat blond hair and healthy thin and just the right size, short but not as short as I, but tall but not as tall as he, and boobs and fashionable and cute. Someone far more smarter, with a good grade point average, taking AP classes and flowing through school like a breeze, and being as witty as he, understanding all his jokes and beating him at his own game sometimes and who acutally says smart things and not boring pointless shit. Someone far greater, with a great sense of humor, who isn't a clingy bitch, who has a lust for life, who doesn't say depressing suicidal crap, who loves her family and doesn't moan about every shit. And especially, especially,
He could pick anyone without the things previously said. What gets to me is this.
Someone who is far saner than I can ever be. Someone who doesn't hallucinate and seemingly falls and gets lost in her own delusions of a spring meadow or dark underground with some delusional paranoia of some people trying to kill her. Someone who isn't constantly wishing for death or eternal slumber because of the problems in her life. Someone who doesn't doubt paranoidishly because of little things that happen. Someone who wouldn't die if he left her. Someone SANE .
I don't care if he met her there or on the internet, just the simple fact that she's sane kills me.
I want to wander.
Just walk into a national park like Yellowstone or the Grand Canyon or somewhere huge and immance and where no one can find me ever and I just lose myself into my perfect delusions and live eternally in my lost wandering in my perfect world and then I'll die. But happy. Under delusion.
I'm crying. I don't want that. I just want to live happily with him, regardless if it's in a tinny apartment in the middle of Oakland, I want to be with him knowing that he loves me and that I love him and that one day we'll be in a retirement home talking and laughing and kissing and holding hands and maybe married and then one of us will die first and will be buried and then a few months later the other will die because of sadness and old age and then they'll be placed next to the first one and we'll rest in peace happily together in the afterlife the end.
That's too much to ask for.

A Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay

Just the entire song. It's the song we heard when we first kissed. Good god.
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