I am in IOP and the clinician made me throw out my self harm tools and my means of suicide into the trash outside while on camera. There was no way of lying to her and saying that I did it when I really didn't since it was all done on camera.

But, I did lie to her though. I have other self harm tools I can use, just not the preferred ones. I also have other means of suicide I can use that I didn't throw away. I'm not going to tell her I lied.

I need the safety net...

I am struggling so badly right now.

My anxiety is through the roof most of the time and I'm having a hard time sitting still. My stomach feels funny and I keep getting a strange feeling in my head. I'm having a hard time sleeping. My chest feels heavy and I'm depressed on top of the anxiety to the point where my motivation to do anything is gone. I still haven't cleaned the guinea pig cage and it's been over a week. I am having a hard time functioning at work and passed some cases...

9/16/22 - Well, I ended up in the hospital again. As a lot of you probably know, I had been feeling suicidal for a few weeks now. I didn't attempt, but I mentioned to my therapist how I had a job interview and it made me feel more suicidal. She knew I had the means to go through with it and called for the city to do a wellness check on me. I tried convincing her not to by saying how I would be good for another week at least and had plans for the weekend that would keep me alive but she called anyway....