Leisa is cool. She came over today. I am still not in a good head-space, but Leisa helps. She got June to do some cleaning. We're going to have a roster so that June knows when to clean (hopefully she'll follow it), and Leisa wanted me to write down some things which I would like as rules which I have now done. She's coming over again tomorrow.

We went for a drive to one of the beaches down Weymouth way. Just sitting near the ocean, with the sea breeze, felt . . . felt badgood. I...

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I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids....

So. My health has not improved.
I've been to the doctor's twice.
I've been on 2 rounds of antibiotics.
I've tried natural remedies.
Nothing Works.
I'm just so tired of being sick.
Now I'm gonna have to go to a specialist.
Which we can't afford.
And now, it's 'that' time of the month.
So that's not gonna help anything at all.
This sucks.
My health is depressing me so much.
I'd rather just die.
Life's short...

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February 19th: FEAR: Abuse stretches far beyond beatings. Learn the signs of a verbal or abusive relationship. http://bit.ly/W7kToK...

My butterflies never last long. Today was a horrible day. I saw her at school. It didnt end well.

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Well, today was odd. For a number of reasons. To begin with, I got out of bed earlier than I needed to because I was hoping one of my british friends would come online. It didn't happen, but by that stage I needed to leave.

My appointment with Jens didn't happen. He had to cancel because he was needed urgently at the hospital or something, but he did drop by to tell my quickly that yes, I will be getting my license back.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? I GET TO DRIVE AGAIN!
...

So I had a massive rant to Leisa (my community support worker) about how I feel like I have no friends and I feel like I'm going in circles and all the other stuff that's messing up my head at the moment. It ended up being quite a heated discussion

Her opinion is that I'm frustrated and bored. Well, yeah. But I'm also scared. And I explained to her about the fear and all my inadequacies and stuff. And yeah.

I mean I feel better for having ranted but that stuff...

Sometimes it feels like everybody's suicidal and there's nothing I can do to help because you're all so far away. Seriously, what's with that? How am I meant to help you, or even comfort you, when you're so far away? I wish I could. I wish I could.

I know I'm not in the best place myself, with self-harm and that, but I'm not directly suicidal either. Oh sure, I have thoughts, and a plan, and the means, but I no longer have a timeframe. I could kill myself. But I don't want to. Because...