So today was uneventfully eventful.

I didn't do very much in the morning, in the afternoon I went with my mother and elder brother to the place where he was going to sit his restricted license. (In New Zealand we have three main license classes, Learner's - where you must be accompanied by somebody who's been fully licensed for at least 5 years and also display "L" plates; Restricted - where you can drive alone and only between the hours of 5am and 10pm - outside of those...

So, I find this song somewhat triggering (ED) and somewhat hopeful. Its so true, and sad, but its still pretty good. And it pretty much describes how I feel at the moment, so here you go.

Courage by Superchick

*I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for...

Keep forgetting to take painkillers for my wrist. Result? My wrist is sore and achey.

I still have the ringing in my ears. It gets louder and quieter but it's still there. I've had it for about three weeks now. Sometimes it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I hear pale music, or murmuring I can't make sense of. Not very often though.

I don't think the ringing is related to my illness. I do, however, think it has something to do with how I'm sleeping, and when I find...

Tonight has been super frustrating. Been fighting with my mom, just getting upset over anything. I tried to calm myself with lavender spray, helped a bit. But still felt just overal bad. So I then of course got a bad urge to cut, almost did (was so close) but I stopped myself. I am feeling a lot better now. I am strong enough to get through the urges. I won't give up at least not today.

Eye-contact is a bitch. Right now, I pretty much struggle to do it - at all. I'm sure all the people that I'm only just meeting must think I'm strange, but when I'm low, or coming out of a low, I feel quite anxious in social situations, and making eye-contact actually scares me right now, it makes me feel excessively vulnerable.

On the bright side, I have a move date! It's most likely going to be next Tuesday (the 24th of July) and I just have to sort out some financial stuff with...

the taste of morning spreads across my tongue as i lift my heavy eyes and light floods my brain.
But it's not morning. It's 6:30pm and i have been asleep for what feels like a lifetime.
The memories of earlier in the day rush back to my still-foggy mind. I know that i need to get up, so i do.
"whats for dinner?" Dad's voice booms.
i groan and grunt, implying that i'd much rather have nothing than go out. But we're in New York, and having nothing isn't an option....

I'm quickly finding out that I do have triggers, mainly unavoidable ones, too. Like, people's usually offhand comments, someone telling me that there is something wrong with my appearance either something I'm personally not happy with or something I actually like, someone doubting me when I'm being true, my mother's nagging.

These are all ordinary things, nothing too bad, yet they send me reeling. They make me want to die. Sadly, I will almost never be able to avoid any of these....

I'm sorry things can't be different, I'm sorry I'm so useless, so stupid, for being me.

Pills and more pills and really, who's going to try and stop me.....

Source: Newsletter | Issue 28 | If you would like to receive the full quality HTML version via email please sign up.


TeenHelp Newsletter #28 - July 15th 2012 - http://www.teenhelp.org

Welcome to the TeenHelp Newsletter! Our Newsletter contains a lot of useful information about our current work, including updates to our site and services, work with our partners and affiliates, details of upcoming events, short...

It's been so long since I posted a blog, nearly a month. I am doing... Ok I think. I was on vacation for about 10 days, and in the middle of my vacation I got really depressed and suicidal. It hit all the sudden, and I didn't know how to handle it. But luckily one of my friends was amazing and supportive. I am so greatful I had someone to talk to. I am feeling so much better. I'm not suicidal anymore. I thought I was going relapse with cutting but I distracted myself. And I am now a bit past 2 months....