Today has been a relatively good day. It didn't start out so great, I'm still running on a minimal amount of sleep, and then my neighbour started screaming at around half past nine, but it was only screaming and she calmed down pretty quick.

I got an early lunch on the way to see Debbie and posted some mail that is now in transit to England. Then I saw Debbie, and that went well, because we planted the flower seeds (yes, the cup was still there, lmao), and she said she'd been excited...

well i went to homecoming yesterday

I fucking hate homecoming so much.. I started to have a panic attack the second i walked in there, so we went and got soda then went to the back of the event center where the dance was being held. At least i had my friends with me. Then we just sat in the back and talked, mostly about how much we hated the dance, and pointed out who were wearing slutty dresses. Then a bit of time past and we got bored. Then some of my friend (lets call her A) friends...

Too bad I don't have the guts to actually kill myself.

If someone could tell me, though, why the past week or more have been a struggle and fix it for me, I'd appreciate it.

I'm back at a time where I tell myself I'm tired of being a failure, tired of feeling worthless, tired of trying. I'm back at a time where I tell myself that I still have some time to kill myself before my niece will remember me. She's only 9 months old. I'll say if I kill myself at a time when...

This experience that I'll be talking about takes place in the early days of my high school life. This was the first time that I had ever experienced what it was truly like to not be acknowledged by someone that I really had feelings for, and up to this day, I can never forget how it all happened.

I remember the first few days of being in high school. It was really nerve-wrecking. I had no clue what I was going to expect. Just transitioning from middle school to high school seemed...

Small things help.

As my stalkers know, Debbie and I are planting some flower seeds tomorrow. If she picks Marigolds, they take roughly 12 weeks to flower. If she picks Stock Cinderella, well then, according to the instructions they're a lot more difficult to grow and the packet doesn't say how long between planting and flowering. It's most likely that we'll plant Marigolds . . . as that was the flower we both thought of.

Anyway, the story of the cup.
I was very...

Once again for a while I thought i was doing alright, then i went straight downhill. I was happy and was doing good in school, i made friends. Then I went down, lower than i've been in a while.
I have cut twice in about a month, deeper than i'd gone in a while, and then a couple days ago the suicidal thoughts started again. Last night was my lowest point in almost a year. Every second I thought of something i could do that second to kill myself i thought of things...

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Yesterday I ended having a slightly better day. I did do my dishes, and have a shower, and then I finally tried to contribute to an article - although right now I feel really anxious about that. The waves of stuff were less yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 3:00 AM. I woke up at 6:30 AM. I dozed lightly (mostly awake) until I got up just after 10:00 AM. I gave myself points for acting opposite, and extra points for it sort of working.

I feel like I'm paying for having a good day...

It's Friday. The last time I showered was on Monday, after I went for a swim. I know I need a shower, my hair is all gross and greasy and to be honest, so is the rest of me. But I just . . . cannot be bothered showering. It's not that I don't like showering (I do), it's just that it seems like too much effort. And it's not that I think it wouldn't help me to feel a little bit better (it would), it's just that I don't seem to be able to will myself into the bathroom for anything that is not . . ....

I did see Debbie today, after art group.

On a note completely unrelated to our therapy stuff, there's a cup that's been in the room we usually use for a couple of months. I suggested we use the cup to grow a flower or something, and see how long it takes for somebody else to notice. Debbie said she thought that was a cool idea, so on Monday we're going to plant something in the cup. Obviously we have to bring in potting mix and seeds, but still.

I'm still so low. Debbie...