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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 01:14 AM

But you need to understand the whole perspective. [Edited] We are in a long term relationship (3 and a half years to be exact).

I love her more than anything in the world and I know she feels the same for me. We usually (thank God) have no serious, not even slight, issues in relationship, and are able to solve any problem by simply communicating with each other.

But this issue really annoyed me dearly. She said to me, as if it was no big deal, that she finds my friend attractive. I found it very disrespectful.

Now, I would not make a big deal out of it, because looking from my perspective, honestly, I find other women (although not her friends, not even acquaintances) attractive as well. But I am not that disrespectful about it, in fact I consciously make myself look at my feet any time if it even crosses my mind for a moment that some woman is attractive. Let alone telling her that so coldly.

But on the other hand, she is honest with me, and always has been, and was honest about that, and I logically don't want to hold it against her in any way. But emotionally it drives me crazy, and I just cannot control that.

I should also probably add that if it happened only once, randomly, I would make myself forget about it. But the problem is she told me this a couple of times now. And told me she had a dream of having sex with another friend of mine. Now, I don't know if I behave rationally or not - but I find it very very very disturbing.

So I told her what my concerns were, asked her how would it feel if I openly told her I like some of her friends, but she just gets angry for... I don't know, for not trusting her probably, and for making big deal out of nothing. So I can't solve this by talking. Everything else is really wonderful, but this issue makes me very angry and worried and sometimes I cannot even sleep when I think about it.

I don't understand what is her motivation to push the only button which can make me angry when she is around. After all this time she probably knows my personality perfectly and knows this is the only thing which ever ticked me off. That's why I guess she does it intentionally, but I don't see a reason for that.

What do you think - is that ok and I am overreacting, or I should do something about it?

Thank you in advance for taking your time to read this!

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 07:38 PM. Reason: Please do not include identifying information on TeenHelp.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 01:18 AM

I don't stop noticing or appreciating attractive people just because I happen to be dating, nor am I to be held responsible for my dreams.

I think you are overreacting and should just be glad she's so honest with you.

Would you rather she feel exactly the same way (finding others attractive, having dreams) but instead not tell you?
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 01:37 AM

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Originally Posted by Maeve View Post
I don't stop noticing or appreciating attractive people just because I happen to be dating, nor am I to be held responsible for my dreams.

I think you are overreacting and should just be glad she's so honest with you.

Would you rather she feel exactly the same way (finding others attractive, having dreams) but instead not tell you?
That is exactly what I said in my post. But after that I also said that this is what my logic tells me. Still, emotions are quiet different from my logic.

Also those are not just some random attractive people - those are my friends. For example, if she said she found Brad Pitt attractive, I would just let it go and not spend a moment thinking about it - simply because it is impossible idea. But I think this is different. We see these people often, and I am not comfortable at all that she finds any of them attractive - she should simply not look at them that way, just as I don't look at her girlfriends.

To tell you the truth, I would honestly best feel if she had never told me anything. Again that's what my emotions say. My logic says it's great she is so honest with me.

Last edited by nicky1; November 30th 2011 at 01:43 AM.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 01:43 AM

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That is exactly what I said in my post. But after that I also said that this is what my logic tells me. Still, emotions are quiet different from my logic.

Also those are not just some random attractive people - those are my friends.

To tell you the truth, I would honestly best feel if she had never told me anything. Again that's what my emotions say. My logics says it's great she is so honest with me.
I was the girl in this equation at one point and I was so ticked off at my boyfriend. I didn't see why he didn't want me to be honest with him. I found his friends and others attractive, and told him so. He got very angry with me, especially when it came to dreams. (Frankly, I don't understand. It was my physical attraction to him that made me ask him out in the first place and I was going out with him so why should he be threatened.) It sucked majorly to censor myself to keep him from getting angry about a part of myself that I felt I could not control.

I'm glad that on a logical level you seem to get that you shouldn't be so upset.

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 07:39 PM. Reason: OP username change.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 01:46 AM

Tell her you can understand her finding other guys attractive, but because it's your friend and she's been pretty vocal about it, you'd appreciate it if she stopped mentioning it. Explain that you can still have an honest and committed relationship without having to tell the other EVERY single thought that enters their head. To be honest, she might be telling you for a reason. Maybe it makes her feel better. *shrug* I'd talk to her about it. And then set it behind you guys.



You've been together for 3.5 years... remind her that she's allowed to leave if she's lost interest, but to be honest, I think she would have brought this topic up differently if she wasn't extremely loyal and honest and wanted to be with you. You're a lucky dude, even though this is emotionally hard for you right now.


   
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November 30th 2011, 01:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maeve View Post

I was the girl in this equation at one point and I was so ticked off at my boyfriend. I didn't see why he didn't want me to be honest with him. I found his friends and others attractive, and told him so. He got very angry with me, especially when it came to dreams. (Frankly, I don't understand. It was my physical attraction to him that made me ask him out in the first place and I was going out with him so why should he be threatened.) It sucked majorly to censor myself to keep him from getting angry about a part of myself that I felt I could not control.

I'm glad that on a logical level you seem to get that you shouldn't be so upset.
I completely know and understand the feelings she has and probably the feelings you had at that moment. But I just can't help it, what I feel is just horrible. I try to let it go, but I can't, especially if she reminds me every other month, with different dream of attraction.

But I just don't understand why would you for example think (I don't mean you see someone and just think for a moment that he is cute, but ACTUALLY THINK) about other guys, if you have all your needs met in a relationship.

I would accept her finding someone attractive on subconcious level (like what I mentioned just for a brief moment, or maybe even during dreams), but I don't understand conscious thinking about attractivness of other guys. Why on earth should she think about their attractivness intentionally if I give her everything (and I literally mean EVERYTHING she wants).

The main problem here I see is that I believe she has at least some control over it, and that's probably the thing which bothers me most.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
Tell her you can understand her finding other guys attractive, but because it's your friend and she's been pretty vocal about it, you'd appreciate it if she stopped mentioning it. Explain that you can still have an honest and committed relationship without having to tell the other EVERY single thought that enters their head. To be honest, she might be telling you for a reason. Maybe it makes her feel better. *shrug* I'd talk to her about it. And then set it behind you guys.



You've been together for 3.5 years... remind her that she's allowed to leave if she's lost interest, but to be honest, I think she would have brought this topic up differently if she wasn't extremely loyal and honest and wanted to be with you. You're a lucky dude, even though this is emotionally hard for you right now.
Hey, but now the problem is that I won't appreciate it if she just stops mentioning it now. She has "planted a seed" now, and even if she doesn't mention it, I (hope I won't but more probably) will think she still thinks that but is just not honest now. She shouldn't have told me in the first place, because I was clueless about it, it would never bother me that way.

Santa, you are genius! - "Maybe it makes her feel better" - that is exactly what she said- her words, when we talked about it. She said she tells me that because it makes her feel very guilty what she feels sometimes, and it makes her feel much better when she is honest.

Oh don't say such things, I am supersticious Of course she hasn't lost interest - I'd feel that. Neither will she, I don't want to brag, but other than being very jelaous and controlling I am an excellent catch in every other aspect, and she knows it And I make her feel loved all the time, and don't intend to stop doing so ever.

I know I am lucky - I know it is so rare and precious to find someone so sincere, and loving I really feel that. And I really feel from deep inside my heart we could make it work forever like this - we were just perfect match in everything. I always bear in mind I could hardly find someone so special ever again. Which is exactly why I want to solve this issue with myself and let it behind us for our sake

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 05:53 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 02:23 AM

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Hey, but now the problem is that I won't appreciate it if she just stops mentioning it now. She has "planted a seed" now, and even if she doesn't mention it, I (hope I won't but more probably) will think she still thinks that but is just not honest now. She shouldn't have told me in the first place, because I was clueless about it, it would never bother me that way.

Santa, you are genius! - "Maybe it makes her feel better" - that is exactly what she said- her words, when we talked about it. She said she tells me that because it makes her feel very guilty what she feels sometimes, and it makes her feel much better when she is honest.

Oh don't say such things, I am supersticious Of course she hasn't lost interest - I'd feel that. Neither will she, I don't want to brag, but other than being very jelaous and controlling I am an excellent catch in every other aspect, and she knows it And I make her feel loved all the time, and don't intend to stop doing so ever.

I know I am lucky - I know it is so rare and precious to find someone so sincere, and loving I really feel that. And I really feel from deep inside my heart we could make it work forever like this - we were just perfect match in everything. I always bear in mind I could hardly find someone so special ever again. Which is exactly why I want to solve this issue with myself and let it behind us for our sake
Yikes.... controlling? Maybe that's part of your issue. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER THOUGHTS.

Perhaps you need to simmer down a little. She told you and that's that. Worth ruining a relationship over? No. Worth venting about to us? Sure! I'm sorry this bothers you. It must be hard. BUT, in the grand scheme of things, you've got a rockin' girlfriend. Everytime you get pissed off... just imagine a fantastic time you've had with her instead.

As for me "being a genius" I'm definitely not. I'm just imagining how she must be feeling... and she wants a release, so she tells the person she trusts most. Someone she finds comforting. Which happened to be you.



Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 07:39 PM. Reason: OP username change.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 09:27 AM

I think that in a way, you are overreacting. We can't control our dreams, and we can't completely control our thoughts either. However, we can control what we say and I think it was very disrespectful for your girlfriend to tell you what she was thinking. I can't imagine anyone thinking that their partner would be happy to hear them say that they found their friends attractive or that they had a dream about having sex with someone else, so I can't understand why your girlfriend thought it was a good idea to tell you this. If she feels guilty about her feelings... Well, that is her issue. It was not fair for her to make you feel bad in order to make herself feel better.

Honesty is good in a relationship. But there is always a limit, and I don't think honesty is a good thing if it is going to hurt someone else unnecessarily. Which is what happened here. You didn't need to know that your girlfriend has feelings for other people, it was clearly only going to hurt you, so it was completely unnecessary and actually rather mean for her to say it.

If it was me, I would talk to her about my line between good honesty and too much honesty. I actually do talk to my fiance regularly about the things I want to know and the things I don't want to or don't need to know. That way, I know that he is being honest with me when it is important to me and he doesn't stress about what he should or shouldn't tell me. I think that if you and your girlfriend discuss when things should or should not be said, then you probably won't have this problem again.



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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 10:18 AM

If my future gf found anouther male attractive, i would flip out.
   
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November 30th 2011, 10:51 AM

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Originally Posted by Santa View Post

Yikes.... controlling? Maybe that's part of your issue. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER THOUGHTS.

Perhaps you need to simmer down a little. She told you and that's that. Worth ruining a relationship over? No. Worth venting about to us? Sure! I'm sorry this bothers you. It must be hard. BUT, in the grand scheme of things, you've got a rockin' girlfriend. Everytime you get pissed off... just imagine a fantastic time you've had with her instead.

As for me "being a genius" I'm definitely not. I'm just imagining how she must be feeling... and she wants a release, so she tells the person she trusts most. Someone she finds comforting. Which happened to be you.
I know that's my issue But I can't help it, that's the way I am and the way I (and her as well) were brought up. It (some strange behaviour patterns like controlling and being extremely sensitive to things like this) is also a sort of a cultural thing we were taught. [Edited] we both have the same ethic codes wired in our heads which you may find strange. [Edited] we still keep the same values our families had. This is one example of consequences of having such values. It's not like it is bothering only me. It is bothering her as well. When I unintentionally look at someone of the opposite sex she also gets a bit angry. When she finds someone attractive I'm sure (and she said that too) she actually feels guilty.

Yeah you are right, and I don't just think about the fantastic time we had - I also think about fantastic life ahead of us which is to come. And it makes me feel happy and very secure when I think about it that way, and it makes things like this unimportant. Although, I just know I will get angry again if she mentions it again. Don't want to, but can't help it.

Yes, you are right. I know, and the fact she tells me things like this proves, that she trusts me most, and I will appreciate it from now on and not complain

Thank you so much

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie View Post
I think that in a way, you are overreacting. We can't control our dreams, and we can't completely control our thoughts either. However, we can control what we say and I think it was very disrespectful for your girlfriend to tell you what she was thinking. I can't imagine anyone thinking that their partner would be happy to hear them say that they found their friends attractive or that they had a dream about having sex with someone else, so I can't understand why your girlfriend thought it was a good idea to tell you this. If she feels guilty about her feelings... Well, that is her issue. It was not fair for her to make you feel bad in order to make herself feel better.

Honesty is good in a relationship. But there is always a limit, and I don't think honesty is a good thing if it is going to hurt someone else unnecessarily. Which is what happened here. You didn't need to know that your girlfriend has feelings for other people, it was clearly only going to hurt you, so it was completely unnecessary and actually rather mean for her to say it.

If it was me, I would talk to her about my line between good honesty and too much honesty. I actually do talk to my fiance regularly about the things I want to know and the things I don't want to or don't need to know. That way, I know that he is being honest with me when it is important to me and he doesn't stress about what he should or shouldn't tell me. I think that if you and your girlfriend discuss when things should or should not be said, then you probably won't have this problem again.
Well I think I also overreacted a bit when I think about it after having some sleep, because after all, she didn't say she had feelings for them (in fact, I know for sure that she really doesn't like at all the guy in her dream, he is honestly faaaaaaaaar away from being attractive by anyone's standards). And for the other one, I really think it just crossed her mind, but she felt guilty about it and had to tell me.

Anyway, I'm sure she wouldn't trade me for any of them, so I really have no reason to torment myself with stupid thoughts.

Well you got that one - too much honesty is really not that good, if it is about such unimportant yet touchy subjects. That's why I never talk with her that way (like mentioning this or that girl is attractive), and because I understand that, I was so surprised she insists on not just annoying me once, but repeating that several times. But I guess she thinks it's a good thing, she doesn't intentionally say that to make me feel bad.

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 07:41 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 02:44 PM

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I know that's my issue But I can't help it, that's the way I am and the way I (and her as well) were brought up.
That bothers me. I understand that it's the way you were brought up, but if you know that it's a problem, you can change it. It's not going to happen in a day, but it really bothers me to hear people say "well I know it's bad, but it was the way I was raised."

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 07:41 PM. Reason: OP username change.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 04:35 PM

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That bothers me. I understand that it's the way you were brought up, but if you know that it's a problem, you can change it. It's not going to happen in a day, but it really bothers me to hear people say "well I know it's bad, but it was the way I was raised."
I didn't say it's a bad thing. I said I am aware that I am controlling, that I have that trait, not that I believe it's bad and it needs to change. I honestly don't see being controlling is a bad thing, if you don't overdo it.

What should I do otherwise - be completely ok with everything that happens to me, and never take control over anything in my life and relationship?

Under the term "issue" I meant being controlling. You are right about anything else (if issue was I don't know - dishonesty, being bad tempered, being insensitive, whatever, then it is something that needs to be fixed and would make me a better person. And I'd never give up on that and say "Ok, I'm bad, but I can't help it". I like to evolve and become a better person, to fix my negative traits and develop positive ones. But I think I would become a weak and not better person if I gave up on controlling completely. Then everyone would think they could do whatever they want with me, including my girlfriend. Well, they just can't.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 05:01 PM

I'm a girl and have kind of been in the same situation... in fact I still kind of liked my ex-boyfriend till a few months back... it sucks, yes, and I myself felt guilty for such betraying feelings... I love my boyfriend a lot, that I do not doubt, but feeling anything towards my ex kills me on the inside and if I don't tell my present bf about it, then it makes me feel unfaithful towards him...my ex and he were (hopefully are) friends... he doesn't show the pain or hurt which he feels when I talk about my ex and that sucks the most... I try and avoid meeting my ex and seeing him as best as I can... that seems like the only solution to me... your gf can't exactly do that but ask her if she can keep it to a minimum... maybe that'll help...

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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 06:07 PM

I am married and still find other men "attractive" and I know my husband still finds other women attractive, because we discuss it openly.

I'd be worried if he didn't notice the hottie walking in the mall with her ass hanging out of her skirt, or didn't have celebrity crushes. Now I don't find any of his friends attractive, they're all either pot heads or drunks...

at least she's being HONEST with you.
   
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November 30th 2011, 06:54 PM

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Originally Posted by Petey View Post
I am married and still find other men "attractive" and I know my husband still finds other women attractive, because we discuss it openly.

I'd be worried if he didn't notice the hottie walking in the mall with her ass hanging out of her skirt, or didn't have celebrity crushes. Now I don't find any of his friends attractive, they're all either pot heads or drunks...

at least she's being HONEST with you.
I know it's ok she finds sometimes someone ocasionally attractive, really I'm ok with that, I know I am not the perfect best possible man that has ever been born in the world. But ocasionally, for a moment, without any importance! Not to repeat to me that she finds MY FRIEND attractive couple of times.

I am fully aware it is great she is so honest, but then again, I know I'd feel much much better if she kept it to herself.

Quote:
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I'm a girl and have kind of been in the same situation... in fact I still kind of liked my ex-boyfriend till a few months back... it sucks, yes, and I myself felt guilty for such betraying feelings... I love my boyfriend a lot, that I do not doubt, but feeling anything towards my ex kills me on the inside and if I don't tell my present bf about it, then it makes me feel unfaithful towards him...my ex and he were (hopefully are) friends... he doesn't show the pain or hurt which he feels when I talk about my ex and that sucks the most... I try and avoid meeting my ex and seeing him as best as I can... that seems like the only solution to me... your gf can't exactly do that but ask her if she can keep it to a minimum... maybe that'll help...
Fortunately my situation is not like that, it's not that much serious, it just makes ME feel uncomfortable. No feelings for anyone from her side are involved - it's just plainly recognizing someone's beauty/charisma/whatever. She never had anyone before me, so luckily I don't have to worry about such things

I KNOW she would never be with anyone she says she finds attractive, that's not problem at all. I didn't understand why she needs to tell me that all the time. But I understand now - guilt and urge to be honest with me. Which is essentialy a good thing.

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 05:52 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 06:59 PM

Then tell her that!
You need to tell her that it makes you uncomfortable that she finds your friend attractive, and she talks to you about it.

Really any other analyzing will do nothing if you do not go to the source of your discomfort.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 07:08 PM

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Originally Posted by Petey View Post
Then tell her that!
You need to tell her that it makes you uncomfortable that she finds your friend attractive, and she talks to you about it.

Really any other analyzing will do nothing if you do not go to the source of your discomfort.
No, really, I got over it now... until the next confession probably

I can't tell her, because it upsets her when I make a big deal out of it. Because honestly it's no big deal. It just makes me feel bad, but it's really not that important. It's my problem I take things too seriously, not hers. I think if I mention it once again to her I will get slapped So I think it's just better to let it go for now. If she heard anything I told her about this so far, she will probably stop doing that, too.

But if she mentions it one more time, I swear to God I will wait a couple of days and when she forgets about it, and then I will start passing comments about her "hot" friends I would like to see if she will still think that's ok
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 10:07 PM

I totally missed have of this thread, and I didn't read through all the answers, so I'm just going to reply to the first post.

I've been in a committed relationship for nearly 3 years. My anniversary is coming up at the end of January. I love my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I've stopped appreciating the opposite sex, or noticing them. My boyfriend feels the same. I've caught him looking at other girls, and while it's bothersome, I don't say anything because I've done it too. I'd pretty much look like a hypocrite if I did, and then the whole ordeal would just blow up in my face.

We can't stop the fact that we're humans, and of course, we're going to be attracted to other people whether we're in relationships or not. It's hormones, and just being a human being. We can't stop those things, though I know some of us wish we could. I know how much we hate to see that our partners may be attracted to other people. But, it's just something that happens sometimes. What is importantis if we try to make something out of that attraction or not, like cheating on our significant other. If that were the case, there would be more of a problem than just a simple attraction.











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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 11:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zelophobia View Post
I totally missed have of this thread, and I didn't read through all the answers, so I'm just going to reply to the first post.

I've been in a committed relationship for nearly 3 years. My anniversary is coming up at the end of January. I love my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I've stopped appreciating the opposite sex, or noticing them. My boyfriend feels the same. I've caught him looking at other girls, and while it's bothersome, I don't say anything because I've done it too. I'd pretty much look like a hypocrite if I did, and then the whole ordeal would just blow up in my face.

We can't stop the fact that we're humans, and of course, we're going to be attracted to other people whether we're in relationships or not. It's hormones, and just being a human being. We can't stop those things, though I know some of us wish we could. I know how much we hate to see that our partners may be attracted to other people. But, it's just something that happens sometimes. What is importantis if we try to make something out of that attraction or not, like cheating on our significant other. If that were the case, there would be more of a problem than just a simple attraction.
Thank you for answering!

Of course that's exactly the only thing which is important, what you said.

I do it, she does it from time to time, I get it how it works, there's nothing we can do about it. But I'm still bothered by following: how come I have the control over myself to look down immediately when I notice someone attractive purely out of respect for my girlfriend, and she on the other hand openly says "That guy is so handsome". I can guarantee that if I said "Wow, that girl is so hot" she would get very angry at me, hell she gets angry if she catches me looking just for a second. Well, if she knows exactly how it feels I was confused why she would do the same thing to me, if not worse, anyways.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 11:21 PM

I completely understand where you're coming from. It wouldnt be the fact it was another guy, but the fact that it was one of my friends, that would really send me off. But I guess that says more about me own insecurities really.


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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - November 30th 2011, 11:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicky1 View Post
Thank you for answering!

Of course that's exactly the only thing which is important, what you said.

I do it, she does it from time to time, I get it how it works, there's nothing we can do about it. But I'm still bothered by following: how come I have the control over myself to look down immediately when I notice someone attractive purely out of respect for my girlfriend, and she on the other hand openly says "That guy is so handsome". I can guarantee that if I said "Wow, that girl is so hot" she would get very angry at me, hell she gets angry if she catches me looking just for a second. Well, if she knows exactly how it feels I was confused why she would do the same thing to me, if not worse, anyways.
I would talk to her about this. If it bothers you so completely, then I would speak to her about it. Communication is very important, and without it, there isn't much of a relationship there.











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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 1st 2011, 03:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlie the wallflower View Post
I completely understand where you're coming from. It wouldnt be the fact it was another guy, but the fact that it was one of my friends, that would really send me off. But I guess that says more about me own insecurities really.
It's not insecurity. I, for example, have literally everything I want in life, and really have nothing to be insecure about.

I just think it's a plain lack of respect for me. Until I got her explanation. Now I know that the reason is that she is tacless at times and doesn't think too much before she speaks.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 1st 2011, 06:10 PM

it is a good thing... but don't get back at her... how would that be any better?
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 1st 2011, 06:28 PM

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it is a good thing... but don't get back at her... how would that be any better?
Well it wound not be any better for me, that's for sure, but I guess she would feel how it is like, at least. Because simply telling and explaining her does not do the trick. Never. But making her feel something and not understand something - well that's worked for me many times before.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 1st 2011, 06:38 PM

Relationships are not the place for mind games. Quite frankly, the "you did it to me, so I'll do it to you" mindset is horribly immature.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 1st 2011, 06:40 PM

she would feel that and it'll hurt, that's a surety... maybe it'll help but then it wouldn't change the fact that she's attracted to other males... that doesn't go away... you'll hurt her as well as yourself when you see her pain... and there's the possibility that she might stop telling you all this... you yourself said that you don't want her to hide stuff cause then you'd feel that she's being unfaithful or something.... umm... I gotta go sleep... got school tomorrow and have to wake up at 6:30 (groan) bye ttyl tc gn sd sleep tight... will talk tomorrow
   
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December 2nd 2011, 01:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maloo View Post
Relationships are not the place for mind games. Quite frankly, the "you did it to me, so I'll do it to you" mindset is horribly immature.
Of course they are. Everything in life is a kind of mind game and relationships are no exception. We cannot ever be someone else and change someone else, but with mind games we can at least change the way they look at some things.

''"You did it to me, so I'll do it to you" mindset is horribly immature'' - true. IF revenge is the only purpose of it. But what if there is a more important goal which you want to achieve with it?

I won't have to do it anyways, I think we solved the problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Astha Srivastav View Post
she would feel that and it'll hurt, that's a surety... maybe it'll help but then it wouldn't change the fact that she's attracted to other males... that doesn't go away... you'll hurt her as well as yourself when you see her pain... and there's the possibility that she might stop telling you all this... you yourself said that you don't want her to hide stuff cause then you'd feel that she's being unfaithful or something.... umm... I gotta go sleep... got school tomorrow and have to wake up at 6:30 (groan) bye ttyl tc gn sd sleep tight... will talk tomorrow
Thanks for answering. We went a bit off topic with all this talking about getting back at her. My point, even if it did happen, would not be to hurt her, just to make her feel what I feel for a moment, and then tell her that was something I intentionally did to make her realise what she's been doing to me. Because honestly I don't find anyone besides her really attractive - sometimes I see someone hot, but that's it - I see them and never think about them afterwards. But it won't happen anyway, I'm sure.

Last edited by PSY; December 2nd 2011 at 05:51 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 2nd 2011, 02:01 PM

Quote:
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Relationships are not the place for mind games. Quite frankly, the "you did it to me, so I'll do it to you" mindset is horribly immature.
Sure they are, thats what relationships are about
   
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Re: Need an impartial opinion - Is is ok that a girlfriend in a long term relationship find other males attractive? - December 2nd 2011, 05:45 PM

Since the issue has been resolved, I am closing this thread. =) Feel free to message me if you would like to have it re-opened, or create a new thread!





   
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