This wasn't supposed to happen, I'm not supposed to be in so much pain....it should have worked :/

Yep, I hate my life. The one and only thing keeping me going is Jon. Jon never fails to comfort and encourage me, but then mom comes in and tears down the walls of hope he helps me build.

She says I have no life, she says I'm not good enough, she says I'll fail if I try, she says I'm never going to be anybody.

I'm nobody. I'm useless. I'm stupid for dreaming.

You know why I love being with Jon? He's the only person in the world capable of comforting me...

I want to die. Let me die. Please. I can't take this. I can't talk to anyone. I can't deal with this. Why am I not dead? Please... I can't cope. Gonna cut tonight. Should stop myself. But who cares? Why does is matter anymore? I'm going to lie to the counselor anyway. Don't want to see him anymore. Don't want to see anyone. Sick of all this. So sick of this. Fed up of pretending when really I'm breaking apart inside. Go away. Go away, life. I'm sick of you. You hurt too much.

Thats it...I can't do this anymore...I won't make it through, i give up

Why do I make myself feel

unwanted, hated, untouchable, disgusting?

Nobody else does that to me; I do it to myself. Because people shouldn’t want me, should hate me… But when they love me anyway, shouldn’t I give them that credit? Let them help me, when that makes them happy?

Maybe if I were less selfish. I’d deserve it enough to be able to believe it.

Why do I make myself feel

unwanted, hated, untouchable, disgusting?

Nobody else does that to me; I do it to myself. Because people shouldn’t want me, should hate me… But when they love me anyway, shouldn’t I give them that credit? Let them help me, when that makes them happy?

Maybe if I were less selfish. I’d deserve it enough to be able to believe it.

Today was good.
No tears at all this week. I am mighty proud of myself. Even if I don't know how I am doing it.
Almost cried yesterday, felt the tears in my eyes. But I held it in and went to sleep. I forget why I almost cried anyway. Haha.
I don't what is happening to me. I am changing, it's for the better, but I don't know why I am. Maybe all the advice has finally kicked in. Who knows.
Not going to dwell on the thought.
Today I cleaned my room and...

My life has gotten to a new low. So much worse. My dad decided he wanted to have dinner with me and my mom. (They have been divorced for a long time) He told me they were going to talk to me about my happiness. I was already thought 'oh crap, i really don't want to this'. So we ate then my dad said 'i know you are going to hate me for this, but i read your email' At this time i got and ran to my room crying. I knew he had found out something bad. I locked my bedroom, and was prepared not to come...

So, it was supposed to snow. And it did. And we didn't have a delay. I was really bitchy that day and was mouthy all day to the point I got grounded and my brother in law came upstairs screaming at me. Cool. Whatever. I didn't really care and don't really give a shit about what they have to say (maybe my brother in law, he's actually threatening when he yells).

One of the things my brother in law said to me pissed me off. I told him I didn't know why I was sad and he said bullshit,...