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Just... (Triggering)

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Posted March 2nd 2013 at 05:55 AM by Ennui.

I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids. Really, it's hard to see myself as an adult.

I don't want to live past the age of eighteen. Ideally, I don't want to live for more than a few weeks after my seventeenth birthday, but I bet that's not going to happen.

I'm so burnt on though and am constantly taking on new tasks. It's so hard to not just take the pills and I'm wondering if one of these days I just will. There won't be much to it, right? Get some water and swallow. And then I'll either be out of everyone's hair or at least I'll be in the hospital getting help. At least then they'd know.

I haven't cut in at least three weeks, though, if not more. Mainly because I've been too tired to lately. I just want to bleed. Even on good days thoughts of suicide and self harm penetrate.

The one good thing? My niece. But I don't want to screw her up too.

I'm just d o n e done.
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Total Comments 5


  1. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    Hey, don't even go there. Attempting to kill yourself gets addictive. It really does. Be brave. Reach out. Do it a way that feels less brave if you want, like e-mailing a parent, but it's so much better to get the help before anything major happens.
    Posted March 2nd 2013 at 06:37 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there :hug:

    Everything will be ok, remember everything we've talked about when discussing this. You can always talk to me about this and we can work it out somehow. Just hang in there. :hug: Also sorry I never have too much to say on these things but just know I'm always here to listen and help as best as I can. <3
    Posted March 2nd 2013 at 07:16 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  3. Old Comment
    [COLOR="DarkOrchid"][SIZE="4"][FONT="Arial Narrow"]Dez!

    I don't know what to say... Except you're an amazing person and you don't deserve to feel so sad. I'd miss you, I like talking to you and you're sweet, kind and funny. The world would lose an amazing part of it if you decided to go through with suicide.

    Please don't. You're special. <3
    Stay Strong <3
    Posted March 2nd 2013 at 12:12 PM by
  4. Old Comment
    monkey01's Avatar
    Dez i love you so so much. i really dont know what to say but dont take those pills trust me its not worth it. it broke my families heart to know i was so sad and i wanted to die and there was nothing they could do to help. i wish i told them how bad it was before that happened. You really should tell them it will be hard but its something you have to do we will support you the entire way. im always here if you need me. love you
    Posted March 2nd 2013 at 03:15 PM by monkey01 monkey01 is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Chuuya's Avatar
    Dezzzz. I love you. You haven't wasted anyone's time, even if you're not ready to give that letter to your parents now, maybe sometime in the future? Things might be tough, but you are amazing and you are one of the strongest people that I know, that i've ever known and that I ever will know. You will get there, you will have a family, and you'll be there for your niece and everything. You aren't alone <3
    Posted March 2nd 2013 at 08:10 PM by Chuuya Chuuya is offline
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