Many ask of me, why I am here. I do not answer, for that simple act would destroy my purpose. Some believe that I was sent to them, and others believe that I have sent myself. I am the word that has infinite meanings, I am the implication of nothing. Some people ask, 'what contains the void?' I do not tell them. Nor do I wish for them to know, although I do not prevent it. I am a hundred minds, a thousand thoughts, a multifaceted enigma of separate identities. Some ask why, others ask why not. They...

I'm going to fail these exams tommorrow and dissapoint my parents as usual.
I try so hard to please them, to make them proud, but i'm too stupid, I'm just not good enough.

I don't know what i'm going to do anymore. cut cut cut.... >_<

I try coming out to my mom today. Know what she says? Pretty much stuff along the lines of: "Who's a lesbian making you want to be one? You want to be everything you read. Start thinking with your own mind for once, if you think you're a lesbian you really do have problems."
I KNEW she was going to say that, I just KNEW that. Everything is a game to her, my self harm, suicidal thoughts. You know what? I don't fucking KNOW why I feel so bad all the time, I really DON'T. And by...

I've waited so long for someone to say that to me. I met with Fiona (course tutor) and Susie (student support worker) today for a "Progress Review". We talked about what I'd done, what I still had to hand in, and what I needed to do.
As of now I need to:

1. Make a workbook with inspirations and explanations for my graphic design class.
2. Make the poster for my graphic design class and hand it in.
3. Hand in my user interface design images and do the writing part of them for

...

Urgh, I'm so stupid, I need to learn to stop apologising , I need to stop being so pathetic.

I just can't help it, I apologise so much to my parents, i'm just used to it. It's becuase i'm a disappointment and failure to everyone and i'm sorry to everyone for that,

I hate myself, I want to make people proud, mainly my parents. I want them to stop critising me, I want everything to be okay...

I don't even know what the point of this is, it jsut shows how pathetic...

My mom hates me..
My "friends" hate me...
The people on here probably hate me..
I just don't fit in anywhere.

And, the only enjoyment I get out of my "life" is talking to him. But, he's in college. So, apparently.. I'm not supposed to talk to him according to my mom. And, if she makes me stop talking to him... I'll go back to right where I started.. Trying to kill myself.

Someone help me.. someone save me..

My guidance counselor: "Have you cut anymore?"
Me: *deer in the headlights look, reluctantly shakes head no*

Answer I WANT to say: Yes, about three or four times since a bit before vacation. Relapsing keeps happening and I'm losing control again.

Can't have my parents knowing, though, really can't. Can't be locked up for 72 hours in some psych hospital. Grounded. Have my technology taken. Get lectured by various relatives.

The other day my...

I got my boyfriend addicted to gaia.

Anyway, things are finally starting to look up for me a little, as far as moving in with Jon. But only a little. It's kinda complicated, but I guess I should count my blessings and keep moving forward.

I've been reading a LOT for the past few days. I got so many books for Christmas it's a bit overwhelming. I'm also job hunting. It's not easy. Why do jobs have to be so elusive?

While sitting there talking to people feeling fine I end up cutting.
I'm so stupid. It's on the wrist this time. At least if I'm gone for a while you know why.

I'm so fucked up. Get that sad scared feeling in my heart out of nowhere. Cut out of nowhere. Tired out of nowhere. No motivation out of nowhere.

Sick with a cold right now. The fuck's wrong with me?

Urgh, I can't deal with anything right now. I've been really ill for the last week or so and my mom is being ridiculous saying i'm fine when i'm clearly not.
I can't be doing with the way she talks to me and the way she treats me and the only way i can stop myself exploding at her is SH.
I just want to cut and hurt, i don't wnat to have to deal with life anymore. I want her to leave me alone :/