well i missed my bus to school this morning cause I slept in and then I had 7 minutes from the time i got up to eat get dressed and stuff to catch my bus. then I fell down the stairs and got a nose bleed. I am just having a shitty day. I found out i have a math test today which i completly forgot about. today has sucked and it is not even noon yet. I am just at my wits end oh yeah and I also forgot my lunch, and homework assignment for math. and I got mad at someone my guidance counsellor and swore...

Ugh. My computer is messing up even worse now. I can't access deviantart anymore, which was very important. It's more than a place for me to look at artwork, I get some good inspiration from there, along with a few ideas for some references for practice.

Practice. Ugh...practicing is tough without some anatomy visuals. I'm about to strangle my anatomy models, I swear. "Can take any pose the human body takes" my ass. They're helpful, but only to an extent. At this rate I'm...

I almost OD last night I wanted to do it so much and i still want to. I have so much going on right now I dont know how to handle it all anymore. killing myself seems like the only way out at the moment. I left history this morning in tears. my guidance counsellor saw me so we rescheduled my appt for today. I might just do it tonite. I just feel so lost so broken hurt worthless and so many other emotions. I just dont know what to do anymore

I am at rock bottom. I need to go cut i...

I'm going to respite on Kolmar Road this afternoon. I've never been there before. I don't know what to expect. Is this too little too late? Am I doing the right thing? Will I be able to behave? Will I end up in hospital again? Will it help? Will I feel better? It's a massive pile of I don't know.

Phones are freaking me out. I was good and attended my supervision appointment though. Caleb was nice to me. I like people who are nice to me. Sometimes it makes things a lot harder but I'd...

I went to see my keyworker, which is probably the smartest decision I've made in days.

I still feel awful and horrible but now it's just the depression doing its . . . thang.

Jens said he saw my whiteboard. He said it was good. I don't know what he meant by "good". Maybe it explained well. Maybe it made sense. I don't know. But I suppose it's positive if a doctor sees your messy-thoughts whiteboard and describes it as "good".

Because...

Hurting myself is my addicition, like any other one. I’ve never done drugs, or drank alcohol or anything like that, but I still can’t stop hurting myself. If it’s not my eating disorder, then its cutting, depression, or it’s something else entirely. Not giving a shit about life, pushing the people I love away, isolation, whatever, I just can’t stop harming myself in one way or another. It’s been this way as long as I can remember…I literally HATE myself. Yes, hate is a strong word, and I mean almost...

Yeah, still there.

Land lady came over. Said she's going to have to give me a written warning, and if it happens again I'm out. It's not happening again. I'm just glad I still have a place to stay.

I just have to wait and see what mental health says I guess.

At least the land lady was fair. She didn't yell at me, she didn't beat around the bush, she just said it like it is. So I've sent Mum another e-mail to explain that I still have a place to stay....

I have a minute amount of glass in my pinky finger. Too small for me to get out, so hopefully it will go away on its own.

I spent most of today walking. I consumed a lot of water, a cup of tea, and a banana. I cleared up the carnage. I walked more. Trish yelled at me and made me feel even worse. Trish isn't even one of my workers, she's one of Sam's, and I don't think she had the right to swear at me, no matter what happened.

The landlord isn't happy. Trish said "we're...

Just got out of bed, have to post this now.

Last night I lit a fire in our recycling bin. Excellent to watch. Needless to say, the bin is no more. My flatmate called the fire service, the police, the crisis team, and Leisa.

The police said if they were called back I would be arrested for reckless endangerment but at that time they weren't going to do anything. The fire service said that at least there was nothing malicious about the fire - as in, I wasn't trying to...