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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 12:53 AM

I have a question. I was in a relationship with a guy I lived down the street from when I was 11/12. I had a lot if problems going on in my life and he was kind of my only saving grace. He did what no one else would do for me and even now I don't hate him or have any il feelings I feel like guilt religiously about what we did because we are both guys. But I never felt like I was raped. I had good sexual experiences and I enjoyed it. I never felt forced. He was like my first boyfriend so to speak. Then when I had to move I really rwaly missed him. I know I was and am very well underage but I never felt violated. Is what I did participation in rape or what?
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 02:54 AM

How old was the other guy? If you consented then it's not really rape, however it may be classed as statutory rape due to your age and not being able to legally make that decision to consent.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 03:03 AM

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How old was the other guy? If you consented then it's not really rape, however it may be classed as statutory rape due to your age and not being able to legally make that decision to consent.
He was 33/34. So he was a lot older than me. But I never was forced to do anything I didn't want to do and I have no fear of him at all.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 05:28 AM

Hi there,

Like Jordan said, this could count at statutory rape. I don't know where you live, but in the US, I am aware that the age ranges between 14 and 18, depending on each state. I think it is around 12 or 13 is a couple of states, maybe? But the point is, having been 11 or 12 years old at the time you engaged in sex with a man pretty much triple your age, the law would consider this under statutory rape.

In the event that you don't understand what exactly statutory rape is, it is a law based on the premise that up until a certain age, the understanding of what consent is and an inability to give proper consent makes it illegal for an adult to engage in sex with anyone below that certain age.

Before I get into the religious part of this, I want to point something out. Though it may have felt good and you didn't feel like you were raped and thought that your experience was good, it was illegal for that person to have sex with you. What's important to consider at this point is why you posted asking for clarification on whether you were raped or not. This could indicate that maybe you've been thinking about this and whether it was something that should have happened at all and it is causing a lot of thoughts to go around in your head that aren't making you feel good.

Religion my make you start questioning whether what you should have done was right or not by the way of your religion. Still it also means that you're only living your life the way that religion says is okay, but not considering what is okay or right for you, personally. Religion acts as guidelines more than rules, from what I've seen, but it looks like some may confuse the two and suggest that you should only live your life the way your religion allows you without giving yourself space to have your own experience.

Coming back to connecting the two, though something is not adhering to your religion - the part where you feel guilt over have had a sexual experience with a man - it could also impact your psychologically, as you grow up - the fact that sexual consent is something that hard to understand, especially because you haven't been given the opportunity to discover an understand your sexuality by yourself. Someone nudged you to experience that, when you hadn't even hit puberty and understood sexual experience.

The reason you miss him so much, is probably because that was your first sexual experience and you depended on that person emotionally as well. But I need to advise caution because you also need to understand that it was illegal. And chances are that this man was fully aware of it and he convinced you to go along with it because it was his intention.

I don't know if this helps you, but I felt I needed to let you know and help you be aware of what that situation could have been. I'm sorry if this doesn't make you feel better.

But do let me know if you need to talk.

Take care,
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Post Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 06:37 AM

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Originally Posted by Spirit. View Post
Hi there,

Like Jordan said, this could count at statutory rape. I don't know where you live, but in the US, I am aware that the age ranges between 14 and 18, depending on each state. I think it is around 12 or 13 is a couple of states, maybe? But the point is, having been 11 or 12 years old at the time you engaged in sex with a man pretty much triple your age, the law would consider this under statutory rape.

In the event that you don't understand what exactly statutory rape is, it is a law based on the premise that up until a certain age, the understanding of what consent is and an inability to give proper consent makes it illegal for an adult to engage in sex with anyone below that certain age.

Before I get into the religious part of this, I want to point something out. Though it may have felt good and you didn't feel like you were raped and thought that your experience was good, it was illegal for that person to have sex with you. What's important to consider at this point is why you posted asking for clarification on whether you were raped or not. This could indicate that maybe you've been thinking about this and whether it was something that should have happened at all and it is causing a lot of thoughts to go around in your head that aren't making you feel good.

Religion my make you start questioning whether what you should have done was right or not by the way of your religion. Still it also means that you're only living your life the way that religion says is okay, but not considering what is okay or right for you, personally. Religion acts as guidelines more than rules, from what I've seen, but it looks like some may confuse the two and suggest that you should only live your life the way your religion allows you without giving yourself space to have your own experience.

Coming back to connecting the two, though something is not adhering to your religion - the part where you feel guilt over have had a sexual experience with a man - it could also impact your psychologically, as you grow up - the fact that sexual consent is something that hard to understand, especially because you haven't been given the opportunity to discover an understand your sexuality by yourself. Someone nudged you to experience that, when you hadn't even hit puberty and understood sexual experience.

The reason you miss him so much, is probably because that was your first sexual experience and you depended on that person emotionally as well. But I need to advise caution because you also need to understand that it was illegal. And chances are that this man was fully aware of it and he convinced you to go along with it because it was his intention.

I don't know if this helps you, but I felt I needed to let you know and help you be aware of what that situation could have been. I'm sorry if this doesn't make you feel better.

But do let me know if you need to talk.

Take care,
Kaveri






I know legally its rape. I just don't feel like I was raped. That's why I was wondering if technically it is rape or if there was a better term for it

I know what statutory is. I just feel uncomfortable with the term rape.


Uh no I'm asking because I don't know how to refer to that situation. Because like abuse rape and assault to me seems like I was hurt. I wasn't really hurt. I liked it. If I liked it I don't see how I was hurt when I felt the whole situation actually benefitted me. I was not provided for and was physically abused I felt safer with him. And in totality I didn't have any issues afterwards besides guilt. But I have had guilt in the past for this but I have guilt about what I did and do now so its no big deal

The way I see it God .Ade me so I should follow the way He dictates I should live. That's just how I believe. I've made mistakes but my goal is to do right.

As far as sexuality I'm very very confused I like women.... But I like anal sex with guys so I'm I guess bi but I don't really like guys or look at guys I just want to have sex with guys. I don't even want a boyfriend or to make put or anything I just like anal sex. So it may have to do with that. I don't know. All I know is its wrong.

I did miss him and I don't anymore. I actually found another guy after I couldn't see him anymore. He reminded me of the first guy. He was closer to my age a senior and I was 13. That was completely willing and it was mostly when I first moved in with my current family. I don't miss him anymore I did a while back and I do see his interest in me was different
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 07:09 AM

Hi again,

I didn't mean to sound like I was underestimating your knowledge on what statutory rape is. In the event that you were doubtful, I clarified preemptively.

I understand the way you see your religion and I respect it. If that's the way you want to live your life, then that's okay. All I'm asking you to consider is what does doing right mean? Is it doing right by the people around you or doing right by you? That's all. There's no need for you to answer the question - just a point on thought I wanted t share.

I'm going to address your sexuality, because that seems to be the space you are seemingly unsure of. Give yourself time to explore your sexuality. It's okay to experiment as long as you're taking the right precautions. But give yourself some time. You don't have to label yourself or put yourself into any category yet. Just let things unfold when they do.

I would also like to ask what you would like in terms of whether you are dealing with the memory of your sexual encounter that you needed clarification for?


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 11:19 AM

Hey there,

Abuse and rape doesn't always have to be forceful, violent or painful. Some people who abuse may come across as very pleasant people, and may be able to manipulate the situation so that it feels like you are consenting, even if you can't legally.

The other aspect would be that you enjoyed it. There's nothing wrong with that because sometimes during abuse, our bodies can still get aroused and we can still find it pleasurable. Not only that but you trusted this man, and felt that he was there for you when no-one else was. You depended on him. And this can make what happened more confusing because you liked this person a lot, and enjoyed the sexual aspect of what happened.

But at the same time, it does count as rape/abuse/assault/molestation.

At his age, and given how vulnerable you are, he should never have tried to be sexual with you. He took advantage of the situation, how vulnerable you were and how much you liked him for his own sexual gratification. It doesn't matter if you liked the physical feeling or not, or how much you liked this person, he did still take advantage of you.

The guilt that you have may be partly the man's fault, but I do understand that it conflicts with your religious beliefs. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with liking anal sex and liking women. You're still young and sexuality can change over time. Whatever happens, try not to feel bad about who you are, because there's no need to. And as Kaveri said, you don't need to label yourself either.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 06:13 PM

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Originally Posted by Spirit. View Post
Hi again,

I didn't mean to sound like I was underestimating your knowledge on what statutory rape is. In the event that you were doubtful, I clarified preemptively.

I understand the way you see your religion and I respect it. If that's the way you want to live your life, then that's okay. All I'm asking you to consider is what does doing right mean? Is it doing right by the people around you or doing right by you? That's all. There's no need for you to answer the question - just a point on thought I wanted t share.

I'm going to address your sexuality, because that seems to be the space you are seemingly unsure of. Give yourself time to explore your sexuality. It's okay to experiment as long as you're taking the right precautions. But give yourself some time. You don't have to label yourself or put yourself into any category yet. Just let things unfold when they do.

I would also like to ask what you would like in terms of whether you are dealing with the memory of your sexual encounter that you needed clarification for?
OK

And to me right and wrong are determined by GOD as He knows best therefore its wrong. I've experimented with 2 guys I want to just not do anything until marriage and I find the right woman for me. I prefer my preference for women tbh anyway.

Well I don't get how its rape when I read about rape its not like this its abusive painful and usually against their will which my experience is totally opposite I didn't feel pressured or reluctant so I don't get what really happened to me that is all if its not rape what is it?
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 06:40 PM

Rape is defined as a sexual act whereby the penis penetrates a part of the body. If the person who is being penetrated is unable or does not fully consent to the act then it is rape. It depends on the country/state you are in, but here in the UK, the law states that if you are under the age of 16, you cannot give full consent.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 07:04 PM

I guess its just I generally see rape depicted as something painful and even torturous.

That's why I feel uncomfortable with the term rape. Maybe its inappropriate.or misconduct? That I feel better with saying tbh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celyn View Post
Hey there,

Abuse and rape doesn't always have to be forceful, violent or painful. Some people who abuse may come across as very pleasant people, and may be able to manipulate the situation so that it feels like you are consenting, even if you can't legally.

The other aspect would be that you enjoyed it. There's nothing wrong with that because sometimes during abuse, our bodies can still get aroused and we can still find it pleasurable. Not only that but you trusted this man, and felt that he was there for you when no-one else was. You depended on him. And this can make what happened more confusing because you liked this person a lot, and enjoyed the sexual aspect of what happened.

But at the same time, it does count as rape/abuse/assault/molestation.

At his age, and given how vulnerable you are, he should never have tried to be sexual with you. He took advantage of the situation, how vulnerable you were and how much you liked him for his own sexual gratification. It doesn't matter if you liked the physical feeling or not, or how much you liked this person, he did still take advantage of you.

The guilt that you have may be partly the man's fault, but I do understand that it conflicts with your religious beliefs. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with liking anal sex and liking women. You're still young and sexuality can change over time. Whatever happens, try not to feel bad about who you are, because there's no need to. And as Kaveri said, you don't need to label yourself either.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 07:10 PM

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Rape is defined as a sexual act whereby the penis penetrates a part of the body. If the person who is being penetrated is unable or does not fully consent to the act then it is rape. It depends on the country/state you are in, but here in the UK, the law states that if you are under the age of 16, you cannot give full consent.
Well I was usually bottom for anal sex but oral sex i usually received oral sex most if the time. I don't actually like to suck dick. So I typically didn't do it. So you're saying it was legally only half the time rape.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 29th 2016, 08:46 PM

No, it's still illegal to conduct sexual acts with a minor, but the term rape only applies to penile penetration.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 30th 2016, 01:32 AM

Hi,

I have only skimmed through these other replies, and I see you've been given some great advice. Apologies if I am a little repetitive, though.

Though the terms and laws around rape and abuse may define it one way or another through a legal standpoint, it is important to identify it for yourself. Yes, legally, what you have experienced is rape. And as it has been said, rape does not always have to be violent or upsetting. However, you said you're uncomfortable with the term "rape." If you're uncomfortable with that, use a word you feel more comfortable using instead.

Denial is something a lot of survivors experience. I am not saying you are in denial; what I want to say, is that you may want to consider keeping note of your feelings over time to ensure that you are calling your experiences what you are for the right reasons, (because you want to) rather than doing it as a way to invalidate yourself.

This is your experience so you should define it and work through it based on how you feel about it. How you feel and what you want to define it as may change over time as well.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 30th 2016, 07:41 AM

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No, it's still illegal to conduct sexual acts with a minor, but the term rape only applies to penile penetration.
Oh is that why I don't feel like its really rape?
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 30th 2016, 03:14 PM

Rape and Statutory Rape are two different legal terms.

Rape is defined as when one does not give consent to any sexual advances while, the majority of the time, statutory rape is when both parties is consenting to sexual activities but one is under the age of consent.

The age of consent is defined as the age where, in the eye of the law, that a person has enough knowledge about sex and what it includes. In my state, the age of consent is 16, which means if a 17 year old has sex with a 13 year old, it is considered statutory rape; even if the 13 year old consented to having sex with the 17 year old. In the eyes of the justice system, the 13 year old doesn't know any better or what they're consenting to; therefore, statutory rape.

The minimum age of consent around the world is 9 in the Middle East, but the exception is that the child must be married. These are the countries where children as young as seven are married off, and these places are the only ones where there either is no age of consent/it's set at marrying age (which can be as young as seven) or there is but it's whenever the girl reaches puberty (around 9-12).

In other countries, the age ranges from 13 (I think in a South America country and Spain) to 19 (New Zealand or one of those Southeastern Asia countries).

Here is an awesome article on the Age of Consent I wrote earlier this year.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 30th 2016, 11:50 PM

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Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Hi,

I have only skimmed through these other replies, and I see you've been given some great advice. Apologies if I am a little repetitive, though.

Though the terms and laws around rape and abuse may define it one way or another through a legal standpoint, it is important to identify it for yourself. Yes, legally, what you have experienced is rape. And as it has been said, rape does not always have to be violent or upsetting. However, you said you're uncomfortable with the term "rape." If you're uncomfortable with that, use a word you feel more comfortable using instead.

Denial is something a lot of survivors experience. I am not saying you are in denial; what I want to say, is that you may want to consider keeping note of your feelings over time to ensure that you are calling your experiences what you are for the right reasons, (because you want to) rather than doing it as a way to invalidate yourself.

This is your experience so you should define it and work through it based on how you feel about it. How you feel and what you want to define it as may change over time as well.
I think maybe misconduct seems like a better term to me. For what happened.

I don't feel like I'm in denial I know I am not interested in 11 years old girls or boys. So I guess that is odd but on my half of the situation I just don't really feel it negatively affected me.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 31st 2016, 12:47 AM

Hey there,

Using terms that make you comfortable is the best thing to do. If you don't feel like you were negatively impacted by this than that is a good thing. If, at a later date, you start to feel more negatively about this then you can look into seeking out counseling to deal with everything you have been through.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - December 31st 2016, 03:25 PM

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I think maybe misconduct seems like a better term to me. For what happened.

I don't feel like I'm in denial I know I am not interested in 11 years old girls or boys. So I guess that is odd but on my half of the situation I just don't really feel it negatively affected me.
Then you could use the word misconduct for as long as you are comfortable with it.

As someone else said, not feeling like you were negatively impacted can be a good thing. Bear in mind that how you feel can change over time, however.

Earlier you asked if one of the laws someone mentioned to you could be why you don't feel like it was rape. That could be part of it, but I think some of it has to do with how you feel about your experience. A law can define your experience as one thing, but you may define it as something different based on how you feel.

I hope you continue to look at this in a way that makes you feel most comfortable and I wish you the best.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 1st 2017, 09:54 PM

Hi there.

I am seeing what you are asking for and even though it has been you who has made this post to question what happened in this relationship, you seem to be defensive towards what many users and staff members on the site have said and I am wondering whether you recoognise this and if so whether you understand why? If this is something you want to discuss, please do.

I was recently told a lot about rape however what happened to you is statutory rape, despite you wanting it and not feeling hurt or anything. The fact is someone over the age of where ever you live (here it is 16) had sex with you with you being under that age. It doesn't matter if you consented and it wasn't, forced etc. This is what the law defines this as. So technically, if someone where to find out about this such as your school, it would be reported to police to be investigated as this person broke the law as even though you didn't mind having sex, you were underage like underage drinking but someone else did this and not you. And I think a major point to make you aware of that this kind of rape is not always something the person feels was a bad thing or something they didn't want but this can also be due to their age and therefore have an impact on their capacity.

However, I am glad that you do did not go through pain or suffer or felt forced to do anything. I this Cassado had a good idea about keeping a diary or something though to ensure you can see if your mood changes and then identify why.

In the meantime if you need anything else, regarding anything at all, remember we're always here you

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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 2nd 2017, 05:28 AM

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Originally Posted by Kaleidoscope. View Post
Rape and Statutory Rape are two different legal terms.

Rape is defined as when one does not give consent to any sexual advances while, the majority of the time, statutory rape is when both parties is consenting to sexual activities but one is under the age of consent.

The age of consent is defined as the age where, in the eye of the law, that a person has enough knowledge about sex and what it includes. In my state, the age of consent is 16, which means if a 17 year old has sex with a 13 year old, it is considered statutory rape; even if the 13 year old consented to having sex with the 17 year old. In the eyes of the justice system, the 13 year old doesn't know any better or what they're consenting to; therefore, statutory rape.

The minimum age of consent around the world is 9 in the Middle East, but the exception is that the child must be married. These are the countries where children as young as seven are married off, and these places are the only ones where there either is no age of consent/it's set at marrying age (which can be as young as seven) or there is but it's whenever the girl reaches puberty (around 9-12).

In other countries, the age ranges from 13 (I think in a South America country and Spain) to 19 (New Zealand or one of those Southeastern Asia countries).

Here is an awesome article on the Age of Consent I wrote earlier this year.
So you're saying when I was 13 that was legally rape too lol. So are you saying my friend and I now raped each other because we had sex and are both underage (14).....

Yeah I just can't relate I guess stat rape is a different experience so brings different symptoms?

That's sick that consent can be given that early. I don't get what that even means 7 is like a first grader.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 2nd 2017, 05:36 AM

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Originally Posted by ~Abibliophobe~ View Post
Hey there,

Using terms that make you comfortable is the

best thing to do. If you don't feel like you were negatively impacted by this than that is a good thing. If, at a later date, you start to feel more negatively about this then you can look into seeking out counseling to deal with everything you have been through.

I can't tell my parents they don't know anything about this. I think if they did they'd blame me anyhow. Because they'd think I was gay. I have tried to just be average so I could fit well into my family etc. .
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 2nd 2017, 05:43 AM

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Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
Then you could use the word misconduct for as long as you are comfortable with it.

As someone else said, not feeling like you were negatively impacted can be a good thing. Bear in mind that how you feel can change over time, however.

Earlier you asked if one of the laws mentioned to you could be why you don't feel like it was rape. That could be part of it, but I think some of it has to do with how you feel about your experience. A law can define your experience as one thing, but you may define it as something different based on how you feel.

I hope you continue to look at this in a way that makes you feel most comfortable and I wish you the best.
Yeah maybe I should feel like it was creepy maybe I will later on but nowadays I just don't feel anything negative maybe it was too recently.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 2nd 2017, 05:51 AM

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Originally Posted by Palmolive View Post
Hi there.

I am seeing what you are asking for and even though it has been you who has made this post to question what happened in this relationship, you seem to be defensive towards what many users and staff members on the site have said and I am wondering whether you recoognise this and if so whether you understand why? If this is something you want to discuss, please do.

I was recently told a lot about rape however what happened to you is statutory rape, despite you wanting it and not feeling hurt or anything. The fact is someone over the age of where ever you live (here it is 16) had sex with you with you being under that age. It doesn't matter if you consented and it wasn't, forced etc. This is what the law defines this as. So technically, if someone where to find out about this such as your school, it would be reported to police to be investigated as this person broke the law as even though you didn't mind having sex, you were underage like underage drinking but someone else did this and not you. And I think a major point to make you aware of that this kind of rape is not always something the person feels was a bad thing or something they didn't want but this can also be due to their age and therefore have an impact on their capacity.

However, I am glad that you do did not go through pain or suffer or felt forced to do anything. I this Cassado had a good idea about keeping a diary or something though to ensure you can see if your mood changes and then identify why.

In the meantime if you need anything else, regarding anything at all, remember we're always here you

Hope and wishes,
Jessie
Maybe write stuff down and tear it up etc... So no one finds it yeah I'm that paranoid lol
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 3rd 2017, 01:27 AM

Should you decide you're interested in counseling in the future, you could always tell your parents you are interested in it without specifying why. Or you could consider seeing a school counselor to talk about your feelings; parents don't always know when their child sees a school counselor.

Something someone once told me is to be careful with my "shoulds." Know that everyone reacts differently to what they have been through and there is no particular way you should feel about this. You will feel your own things in your own time. Right now you don't feel negatively impacted. Maybe it'll change, maybe it won't. What you feel is valid though.

You could write things down and rip it up or you can blog about it if you feel safe enough to do so. You can blog here on TeenHelp and there are privacy features you can use to help your paranoid feelings.


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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 7th 2017, 07:28 AM

Not rape.

Rape is forced.

Love is kind.
   
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Re: I if I wasn't really raped what happened to me? - January 7th 2017, 02:20 PM

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Originally Posted by del677 View Post
Not rape.

Rape is forced.

Love is kind.

Rape doesn't always have to be forced. In some cases, people can consent or feel as though they have consented even though they are legally under the age of consent for the area they live in. This means they cannot legally consent, and having sex would be statutory rape.

Rape is different for everyone who experiences it, and only the person who has experienced it can define it for themselves. Yes, legally, it may be considered one thing, but someone may want to define it differently for themselves; we've been discussing that throughout this thread. It isn't up to you, me or anyone else to define this experience. It is up to Cj14.


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