Heyyyy lovelies.

I don't really know what I am saying necessarily here.

The past two weeks as a whole haven't been bad, but I'm starting to spiral again and it kind of sucks.

I was sick pretty much from Thursday up until yesterday, and it pretty much killed me this weekend, so I am SO far behind on things. Well, not really. But I feel that way. But since I was sick, I wasn't really able to do much in the way of work, either in school or on Staff. I wasn't...

I've already withdrawn from my statistics course. I hate myself for having to withdraw, but if I didn't I'd have failed, and that would be even worse. I'm disappointed in myself for having to withdraw though and feel like a failure already just from doing that.

I want to cry but there isn't really anywhere private enough in a dorm to do that. I want to cut and honestly the only reason I'm not taking a blade to my skin right now is that I don't want to get blood on one of my favorite...

I went back to the dorms after coming home for the weekend.

I still can't hook up my printer, meaning I'll still be having to pay to print.

I lost my favorite tank top.

Left my hair brush at home.

Want to self harm.

What the hell is this? Is something going to go wrong and terribly every freaking week? I already feel exhausted. Just going back to this place exhausts me.

My first three classes were today!

I had statistics first. He seems like a nice guy though he did make a slight sexist joke. He jokes around a lot though and I honestly don't think he meant anything by it. I'm scared for his class because the exams are basically the only thing he grades. He gave us a homework assignment and I made a mistake by accident and did a lot of scribbling so I did it out again on a separate piece of paper so I'm scared he won't accept it! I will...

Classes start tomorrow! I can't help but be nervous.

I registered for that club I talked about earlier. I had to call, because you have to have training in order to do it. The training is on September 13th.

I even managed to go to the counselling center and make an appointment! I guess since I mentioned past suicidal thoughts and some self injurious behavior, they made me talk to someone right then and there. Or it could've been routine, I dunno, but the guy said it was...

Today was better.

It was mainly just meetings and stuff. Saw two of my friends who are commuters, and some other people at my high school who I were never really close with, but we still talked. My friend said she may start up a Skills USA chapter here if she's able, so I'm excited about that.

THE SHOWER. The water is always toooo hot! I can't cool it down! And I learned not to take the very end shower because the curtain kept blowing open...

I signed...

I am mainly writing this here because I forgot to bring the notebook I write about my day's events in as well. I may just do the blog thing permanently. I dunno.

Today was better than the first day. I still didn't really get much sleep though so I feel like death.

Even though today was better, I still wanted to self harm at times and wish I brought my tool.

I haven't had the time to stop by the counselling center and make an appointment and probably...

Welp. I guess is the continuation of my earlier blog. Sorry for posting two in one day.

This day was...bad. Really bad. I'm starting to calm down now, but exhaustion has also taken over from not sleeping so...

But yeah. I moved in. That went fine. My niece was there though because my dad couldn't come. He can't lift because of the surgery. My sister didn't have a sitter so my niece had to come.

It was okay until the goodbye. I know I am probably coming...

So I have to finish packing and getting ready because later today I move in to college.

I had no sleep last night. I didn't sleep at all. I was nervous or anxious I guess, because any time I even got remotely comfortable I'd have an upset stomach or have to pee or my chest would feel all funny and scared, and I wanted to cut but I didn't.

But now I feel like hell and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. I have activities until like 9 PM or something...

I've just had another breakdown. Over something stupid. My school's National Honor Society offers scholarships but apparently my essay was bad. If I don't redo my essay for this scholarship application by Monday I will get rejected for it. Second rejection I've gotten on a scholarship and I haven't even heard back from the rest.

Then there's the stress of graduation being soon, and having to say a speech so that adds to my breakdown. Plus we have to present senior portfolios soon....