It's so stupid, I don't even know why i am so nervous about going to Paris!
I get to go and play music there which is great, but it's the people i have to put up with and the fact that i can't cut as i'm sharing a room with 3 other people. I don't know if i can do it anymore >_< What do i do if i get really triggered?!
I'm freaking out and i know it's pathetic but i can't stop....

It's been a really good day : )
My foster parents (Bill and Debbie) have taken in another kid ! His name is Jamie, he's 5. So far he's not talking very much, only to me ! : ) Hopefully soon he will get more comfterable with everything. He doesn't know about me or my situation, and I'm going to keep it that way for a while.
I know this is going to sound stupid because I just met him, but I feel like he's my little brother, and I have to protect him from people like my real brother...

i am a lot better. I do not want to kill myself any more. and i have not cut for 2 weeks. but i still want to cut. my depression is still bad. but i don't want to see a therapist.


My mom is really annoying me lately. she thinks that i miss her all the time, after like 1 minute of being a way from her. its gotten really annoying.

I have like 5 weeks before i go back to school. i don't want to. because whenever i go to school, i just have to pretend...

...

1. Love

I have no idea what the thing above is.... ok...
Soo, I can finally listen to sad songs withouth getting sad I learned from my only friend not to take things or anyone for granted. And I am not going to antmote. I will look back on the memories someday, not today, but someday. And when that day comes I am going to have someone beside me, anybody. Theyll be there watching and listening. That will be the day Ill smile huge, but it will be the day you realize you took me for...

I never know whether to start with the good or the bad, but I gues for this I should start with the bad, afterall, the bad came first!


I carved hate into my stomach last night, not deep, but enough to break the skin and it'll scar for about 8 months... I mean I needed to and it helped and today I've had one of the best days of my life... Just thinking about it makes my legs go to jelly and my heart beats faster...


I had ICT first this morning, we have...

I'm at the hospital right now. Long story.
Anyways I feel bipolar or something because just as everything starts to get better, It comes crashing down. My foster parents are really worried, they don't know what to do with me. They pity me, I don't need them to pity me. I need them to leave me alone while I "settle".
And apparently the only way I can get past my "inner demons" towards my father is to confront him. Says my therapist.
No. Way.

...

I thought admitting everything would make it all better, but it hasn't, it made it all worse! I can't talk about it... it makes me feel stupid and weak and pathetic! But yes... I'm unfixable, and I'm not even sure I want to fix anymore!

So I've pretty much decided that at the end of this month I'm moving to California. Life is too short to be tied down at 18 and shut yourself out from experiencing the world. I'm tired of this small town with all the same people and everyone knowing every time anyone moves a muscle. I want to live with no regrets and be free. I've always wanted to live in California, Ramon is just a plus. Am I crazy to just wanna pick up and leave my life here ? When I think about leaving, it's kinda like my "happy...