I thought admitting everything would make it all better, but it hasn't, it made it all worse! I can't talk about it... it makes me feel stupid and weak and pathetic! But yes... I'm unfixable, and I'm not even sure I want to fix anymore!

So I've pretty much decided that at the end of this month I'm moving to California. Life is too short to be tied down at 18 and shut yourself out from experiencing the world. I'm tired of this small town with all the same people and everyone knowing every time anyone moves a muscle. I want to live with no regrets and be free. I've always wanted to live in California, Ramon is just a plus. Am I crazy to just wanna pick up and leave my life here ? When I think about leaving, it's kinda like my "happy...

I was told I should post this so here goes nothing. My fears:
-Clowns
-Spiders
-Heights
-Balloons
-Surgery
-Doctors
-Strangers
-Parties
-Old Men
-Public Washrooms
-Dogs
Those are my main fears. Theres more, They are all true:\

I was to a psychiatrist today. He told me he thinks I have an anxiety disorder and trust issues.
My foster parents are worried because I won't talk to them. They just don't understand, I don't want them to worry, to touch me, I just want to go home. My foster father told me I was too old to be playing "hide and seek". I will admit, I did hide. Not from them in particular, just everything I guess.
They schedualed daily Therapy sessions for me, I started cutting again. My therapist...

I feel so odd, I don't even know what to say here. I'm blogging for the sake of blogging so I don't have to do anything else. Because I don't know how I feel.
Well, I know I have a head ache. And it hurts. And I know I feel hungry. But I'm not eating. And I know that I feel lonely, but I have the means to contact people and I just can't be bothered.
I don't know what to do with myself right now.

I had to go home today to get something, my brother was supposed to be out but he wasn't. When I got there he was drunk. He grabbed me and threw me against a wall telling me I'm better off dead. After some other things I won't go into detail about happended I finally called the cops. I'm in protective custody at the moment as my mom is "unfit".
Now I wait... :\

Danny has no memory of me whatsoever, i dont know if shes faking it or not, i want her back, but i cant, and so im depressed as fuck, not to mention people are assholes and need to shut the fuck up.

She feels the pain
Deep inside
With no place to run
And no place to hide
No one to help her
An no one she can confide
Seeming theres no other option
It leads to self destruction
*
It weakens the mind but strenghtens the soul*
After all that you've been through still nothing*to show
But a sickened mind and an unforgiving heart
Tell me, who were you before the start
Of the anger, misery and pain
Crushing...

Blocking the outside world from my dark mind
Can't last forever
But this escape is better than reality
So I let it take over
Sometimes I just don't want to stay strong
Are these feelings so wrong?
I pull the knife across my skin
Lift the bottle to my lips
Swallow the pills and take a hit
Sorry I'm not good enough to deal with your shit
Here comes the end
I can see it now
Darkness swallowing me
Numbness the...

I have to stay strong
I cannot show you my weakness*
Can't show you my fear
Can't show you these tears
As your speach slurs
I see the darkness in your eyes
You pour the poisen down your throat
And out come the lies
You start to argue*
I become the adult*
Forced to be mature
Childhood a blur
I can't remember true happiness
It must be bliss
What does it feel like?
Can you tell me this?
Insomnia...