I am so unbelievably frightened right now. But i am going to admit the truth on Thursday in my meeting with my CPN and i am going to see if i can find my favourite teacher in between my exams tomorrow and i will tell her. Something made me realise the other day that i have to try and fight this. I know i am not alone. It feels like it but i know i'm not. I have to fight this for everyone who needs me or has helped me. I have to be strong.

Tomorrow i am going to fight but tonight i can't...

Everyone keeps telling me it will be okay, and that i'm not alone but i still can't seem to think like that. I want it to be okay, i know i am not alone but i can't help but feeling like this. >_<
I'm so stressed with all my exams at the moment, i want to do well in them but i'm really distracted by other things. I need to focus my mind but i don't know how....

I wrote the piece. I came up with the whole concept and wrote the entire piece. Then you drew it to the specifications, and didn't even get it right. And yet when you post both the written piece and the picture together, the comments are pretty much on the drawing, with a few after thought comments about the writing. 'Cool concept.' Um. It's a bit more than just a concept. It's a piece of creative writing that I spent time on. Screw you with your fancy computer art work and your video editing skills....

I guess this is more a message to all of those who have been there and helped me so much. I really appreciate it and i love you lot so much. I don't know where i would be without you all.

I don't know how much longer i can fight this though. I am so tired. I don't think i can fight myself much longer, i am trying but i can feel myself slipping. Everythings getting so much harder. I can't ignore the urges. To cut, OD or to jump. Anyway i suppose what i am trying to say is if i don't...

I don't know how I feel at the moment.

I've been ill.

So I feel ill.

Nothing else. Not really.

Today's been a funny sort of day really. I woke up feeling sick and shakey...but then that's what you get for ODing I suppose. I was feeling really horrible and selfish. Still do if truth be told. But then the word selfish is permemently there on my arm. Reminding me of what I am. I feel odd. I wear long sleeves constantly. Hiding the scars. Yet I think everyone can see them. I know they can't yet I still panic about it.

My day got better. I had the most amazing conversations with...

I know he has only moved back in with his parents for support, and i'm being selfish but i miss him already. It is so strange not having him around and i feel so alone.
When i told him i didn't want him living with me anymore i didn't mean it, i was being cruel to be kind i suppose, but i feel so bad. He looked so hurt when i said it and it broke my heart to watch him go; I don't even know if it was the right thing to do anymore!?

I'm so confused and i hate this feeling of...

I want to go to the doctors and get their opinion. I want to know if there's something wrong with me.
If there isn't. Well, then I don't know what the hell I can do. Perhaps that would be reassuring because then I'd know I'd just grow out of it. Otherwise I'll have to keep struggling on on my own.
If there is, which there won't be, then perhaps I can get some help.
I feel really ill right now. I'm going to bed.

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I feel so alone, so lost, so empty, so numb. I don't want to fight this anymore. I can't fight this. Everythings just falling apart around me. I am invisible and insignificant. I dont matter. I would be lying if i said i ever did. I jus need reasons to fight but they are all being lost slowly one by one. Life seems so pointless, such a waste.
Maybe me living is just a waste of death.