I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing...

This morning as I walked to my homeroom, I was walking in front of a few girls who are also seniors. And they were talking about someone. They didn't say any names, so it basically just left me curious. They were talking about another senior and how they couldn't let her donate blood because she had cuts. A lot of them. All up and down her arms. The way they put it there were a hell of a lot of them.

So I was curious in a way. Wanting to know who it was. I always tend to look at people's...

I'm sure some of you who have answered my HelpLINK ticket once remember that I was thinking of going on a date with this one girl? Well, I realized that it wouldn't work out because of how busy I am. I stopped texting her basically, but it really was accidental that I did. I just was always way too busy to text her back, and eventually she gave up.

I went to her Facebook page today. She already has a girlfriend. She seemed so desperate to get with me, too. I don't know, it seems strange....

So basically I had an incident with another student in the school. It wasn't anything I felt threatened by, but my parents took what was said by the other student in a threatening way, and reported it to administration.

So, one of the vice principals called me down today. I got so nervous I couldn't breathe and it felt as if I was choking on my words. I guess the best way I can describe it is that it felt as if I was having an asthma attack, only I knew it wasn't an asthma attack...

So. I realized how much of an idiot I am and how anxiety is going to consume me this year and how I just can't handle it anymore and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to live with it but it's getting worse and I don't know what do do.

Had to submit my summer math packet in school today so I went into the library to do it and then the library was closed so I started getting nervous because this was one of the few study halls I had to submit it before the 10th. This one,...

So, I found out today that my teacher, Mr. W, passed away on the tenth. My friend heard a rumor so then I asked my teacher and she confirmed it... Apparently the school didn't even notify her and she was Mr. W's co-teacher for YEARS. And they didn't even have the courtesy to tell her? It's no fair. She didn't even know any of the wake and funeral information.

My dad found his obituary. His funeral is on Monday. My sister who also had him as a teacher is taking me there. It's quite...

I have come to the realization that if I don't go inpatient I probably will try to kill myself and that is the scariest thing ever. I found myself counting my pills last night. My mind telling me to just take them. And then this morning it was the same thing, to just take them. Those thoughts won't stop.

Part of me just wants to try to kill myself rather than go inpatient because I don't want to hear my parents but part of me feels screwed if I don't die because I'll have to hear...

My counselor basically wants me to think more in the present rather than in the future and she gave me an exercise to do where I write down five things I can see, four things I can hear, three things I can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing I can taste. You may see more of these.

And, well, I'm triggered right now so I need the reminder.

I can see

1. My keyboard. Some of the keys are wearing of. The L key is almost completely worn off, the H, D, M, N, and

...

Was doing some thinking yesterday in the shower, because don't a lot of people think in the shower?

I remembered the night I got promoted from 8th grade, basically a graduation but the school didn't call it that because it's only from middle school, not for high school. My family came. Originally, many of them weren't supposed to because we were only allowed a certain amount of tickets, but the person who handled the tickets knew me and liked me so we got more. I wore a dress and...

Today, May 18, makes one year since my dog, Misty, passed away. Part of me feels really guilty that I was able to go about my day like it was nothing, like I shouldn't be sad. I had set my alarm to wake me up at 9 AM, the time that she was put down last year, but I somehow managed to sleep through it. So I guess maybe writing this will make me feel something? Maybe I'll even cry. But that's okay, because I feel as if I need to today.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of her, though....