I'll start with Christmas first. It was cool, any other day. I got the clothes I wanted, a lava lamp, season 1 of Law & Order: SVU, Sims, and books. So basically besides family time I was reading Tilt by Ellen Hopkins (Finished it!) and playing Sims all day. It was awesome. And my sister liked the gift I got her. We even got gifts for my niece even though technically she's not here yet. Expect another blog entry when she arrives, and maybe a forum post.

But Christmas Eve? Yesterday...

I get frustrated so easy right now and it's really embarrassing.

First time was like three days ago or something like that. I was in my computer class and we had to troubleshoot our computers, I got frustrated after two seconds and was nearly in tears. I was so done. and Mr. M. noticed and talked to me about it, apologizing and saying how it'd be okay. I knew it would be okay. :/ I was just frustrated.

And today I had to take my art project back to my computer class to...

So, everyone thinks that me and my friend, M, should date. Neither of us agree and feel our shop is too sibling-like for us to ever work out. However, with all the pressure coming from outside sources, I think he is mad at me. He wasn't really talking to me today after outclass and my friend said she thinks he's mad at me.

I can't lose him as a friend. I just can't. I started crying for a while earlier at the thought. I don't want him mad at me or upset with me or thinking different...

I saw C for the first time today. She's the lady that will be my counsellor until January, and then another woman named J is taking over. It kinda sucks that C will only be there until January, because she seems really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that she used the term "self-mutilation" once. I hate that word.

But as I said, she seemed really nice and she is the type of woman to ask questions. I trust her, I really do, but I don't know how much I'll be...

I had a mental breakdown last night.

I cut myself a little bit and really wanted to do it a lot more. I wanted to see the blood and do what I had to to release the anxiety and that heavy feeling on my heart. I only did a little bit but knew I had to refrain before I got myself into trouble with my parents.

So what do I do? I call a hotline. The self harm hotline was closed so I called the suicide hotline because well, I was in danger of cutting too much or too deep...

Three doses. Three doses of pills were added to my collection. I haven't done that in quite a long time.

I don't even feel suicidal. I've felt down. But not suicidal.

So why the hell am I still storing pills? What the hell is this?

I don't even know. Ever since a few days before school started I've been feeling depressed, or maybe anxious, or a bit of both again. I don't really want to do work or accept the new changes and personally I find everything kind of hellish right now. The classes, some of the people, everything. I sat there in class yesterday and randomly felt like crying and there have been times where I have felt that pressure in my chest, that sad-scared feeling in my heart.

I'm tired, but I'm never...

I'll never be good enough. I'm NOT good enough. I question every little thing I do and it's just not right.

I get scared when people ask me for advice because a lot of the time I'm not in the right state of mind to do it, or am scared I won't have the answers and then they'll get upset, but I just can't say no.

I'm never going to be smart enough. Someone will always be so much better than me and get all the attention and I'll be left in the dust. They'll be the ones to...

No matter how many times people try to convince me otherwise, no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I always feel in my heart that I'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard I try it'll never be enough. That I'll never succeed. That nothing will ever change for me.

I go through periods of doing good. Today was one of my better days in THREE WEEKS. But I know it won't last. It never lasts. I've been so depressed lately even though I never show it, everything...

I don't know how many of you have noticed how down I have gotten lately. I had relapsed with my SH 4 or 5 days in a row, something I usually don't do. Yesterday broke that cycle and today has been good so far.

I've been dreading answering the phone, getting annoyed when I do, and I've noticed myself distancing from people I talk to, whether it is on MSN or here. So, for all of you who may have noticed this, I'm so, so sorry. Sometimes I even dread it when people hug me or touch me,...