Today I was in therapy. Everything went well until she said that next week she was "learning who would be taking over for her" and that she'd find someone that I'd like and we'd have a few meetings together. Now, I don't know if she means she's retiring or just has to be away for a while due to circumstances or what, but I'm sitting here flipping out because I'm scared that she does mean she's retiring. I started to trust her and open up to her. I talked to her about my SH and everything...

So, I have a friend who self harms and mentioned to me today that they had self harmed with an Exacto knife blade. Of course, because they are pretty much my best friend in the entire universe, I was worried about them. At the same time, I was jealous as fuck that they were using an Exacto knife blade. I was just sitting there thinking to myself, "I wish I had one of these," and wishing that this person would give me one. Like I was thinking of begging them to find me one or something...

I did it again. I cut. On the arm. Only once but still. I have NO excuse whatsoever as to how I could have gotten a cut there. Fuck. I really can't lose my phone and my computer, I really can't be grounded. I just can't do this. Even with worrying about getting caught I am calmed down now, because the SH calms me and that's why I DO this, and I probably won't worry too much more about it as soon as I find a valid excuse for why it's there, but still. It's really not a bad cut either, not too deep...

I really don't know why I feel so shitty right now. Monday was fine enough, Tuesday I had to take two statewide tests and a final for science. I almost had a breakdown in science class that day, pretty much I threw my pen down and came super close to crying, calling myself a failure, the whole nine yards. Wednesday I was just under stress and whatever, like I have been for a while now. I was supposed to have therapy today but the coolant line in our car broke and so we had to cancel the appointment....

I had a therapy appointment today. Thank fucking god. I feel a lot better now but realized after I left what I needed to talk to her about. That's annoying. And she always asks me if I've cut again and I have to LIE to her and say no because she's a mandatory reporter and would tell my mom. The real answer is yes, yes I have cut. I wish I didn't have to lie but I really don't want my parents taking away my phone, yelling at me, and grounding me. I really wish I could admit to it and don't really...

I'm sorry about how worried I am about myself, how often I have thought about ODing or jumping. God, I get nervous with how deep I want to go when I cut, and how deep I WOULD go if my parents wouldn't catch me.
What sucks is I'm scared of how much of this I'll actually go through when I'm 18 but it scares me just to have those thoughts. Hopefully my therapy will take care of this before I hit 18.

And now on to the sappy shit. Only one person will actually know what I'm talking...

I was at the mall with my friend today (who will probably end up seeing this) and we were standing outside in between the parking garage and JC Penney's. We somehow got on the topic of falling off of the height, and I couldn't help but wonder if it would kill you. I always stared at the ground, slightly scared of heights, but at the same time I have thought of jumping off of the top level of the parking garage or other height at the mall, but I don't know if it would kill me or just leave me paralyzed...

I went to my therapist appointment and she wants me to see a psychiatrist. If I see a psychiatrist, my mom would only want me to see her once because we can't afford to see both a therapist and psychiatrist, and my mom still thinks nothing's wrong with me.
I'd be seeing the psychiatrist for self harm and a possible diagnosis of depression. My mom is a shitty listener and didn't hear the depression part until I told her, and my mom pretty much got pissed off and said that I really must be...

I just found out...
I didn't want to believe it at first, hoped that I was just jumping to conclusions since it was so late when I was told.
Rest in peace my friend <3

Oh God, I went back on your profile to see what our last conversation was about. It took place on November 6th and 7th, 2011. The last time I ever talked to you. You were trying to get me to go into the chat room but I didn't have the time.
I'm so fucking sorry for not going into chat that day, for...

I had my physical today.

My blood pressure is high. This could be because of my birth control. I'm scared that I'll have to stop taking it. It was working so well on my periods already, I don't want to go back to not using any. =/

They also tested my hearing and it wasn't as good as it should be. I may have a problem hearing with my right ear.

Both of these things mean I have to go back to the doctor in a month. Now I can't help but be worried.

...