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Posted June 29th 2012 at 01:38 PM by escape♥
How do I even explain what's racing through my head right now? Never good enough, never deep enough, never thin enough. Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice myself up. Cut deeper than ever before last night. You could see the fat of my thigh in the cut, and yet, it doesn't hurt anymore. It even started healing, and I hate it. I WANT to feel the pain..does that even make sense? Probably not.  I doubt anyone will even read this.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling nonsense. Never lost enough weight, never cut deep...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 580
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Posted June 19th 2012 at 09:20 PM by escape♥
It's raining like the world's ending. I love it.  I'm proud of myself in a sense. Today, I was restricting. Counting every calorie, feeling the emptyness, counting my excersize, etc. I was doing SO WELL.  But then I decided I was hungry, and I realized, do I really want to go back to that? Do I really want to have to explain to my parents yet again why I am doing this? Do I really want this? And I decided, No. I don't want this. I just want to be perfect and that's impossible. So, I ate...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 612
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Posted June 17th 2012 at 02:27 AM by escape♥
I am trying so hard.
I really am. I'm not trying to sound selfish, but I am hanging in there for all dear life.
But, there are always people that need help. Those people on the forums talking about how they are so close to over dosing, or cutting again, or spiraling in their eating disorder, etc. I don't care if I die, or if I go back to my old habits, I just want to help them. They deserve it. But I am starting to realize that no matter what I tell them, or what advice I give them,...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 454
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Posted June 13th 2012 at 03:13 AM by escape♥
Updated June 13th 2012 at 03:42 AM by Storyteller.
(Weight numbers are against the ToS.)
So, I have an eating disorder. That is still so hard to just, type. I still think of people with eating disorders as [edited], and beautiful. But thats not always the case, like me for instance.
Today has been, difficult. My parents made me clean my room. and I kept finding little trinkets from when my eating disorder had control of my life. It was really triggering. 
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 708
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Posted June 10th 2012 at 04:42 AM by escape♥
I wait all day for the nighttime to come, and then it does, and slaps me in the face.
Mother fucker. -.-
I was struggling today, but managed to do okay. The minute the night hits, like I was waiting for, I loose control. It's so bad right now, I don't think its ever been this bad.
The urges. God the urges. I'm so close to slicing into this vein on my wrist that I can feel...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 428
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Posted June 9th 2012 at 03:35 PM by escape♥
This darkness, its overwhelming. I watch a figure skating show, and they're so beautiful..all I can think is "I'm so fat. Why can't I look like them?! Why?? I've always wanted to ice skate..but I'm too fat. God I just wanna cut this away."
God. I'm just sitting here. All alone, practically in tears. 
I need to be happy. For the people I love. I cannot break down, I cannot die. I..MUST be happy.
But I don't want to be. I want to be in this...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 359
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Posted June 8th 2012 at 04:02 AM by escape♥
Coldplay- Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 354
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Posted June 7th 2012 at 01:21 AM by escape♥
Updated June 8th 2012 at 03:04 AM by escape♥
(triggering prefix)
I can't really explain how i feel, but i'm going to try.
I feel on the verge of bursting into tears, and yet in a "i dont give a fuck" mood...I talked to one of my friends i hadn't stayed in touch with last night over FB. I thought she had quit cutting, especially since she was inpatient for a while, but i was wrong... 
Today me and E had an arguement..partly because im so extremely emotional all of the time, and he ran out of meds (schizophrenia...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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