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Posted August 9th 2012 at 03:13 AM by escape♥
Why do I even keep posting? Nobody ever comments, nobody cares..
I want to be able to say:
"Goodbye world, I'm never coming back."
But I can't....
So I wait. I don't know what for, I just wait.
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 332
Comments 4
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Posted August 8th 2012 at 02:56 AM by escape♥
Updated August 8th 2012 at 03:26 AM by escape♥
I'm so done. I'm trying, and fighting everything with my whole exsistence, and it's never enough. Never fighting strong enough, never good enough, thin enough, deep enough. Never enough.
The self-hatred is growing in me like a cancer. Raging like a bull, getting more and more intense every day.
I would do anything to be thin. And I mean literally anything. You name ...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 404
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Posted July 24th 2012 at 05:56 PM by escape♥
Erghhh. What the HELL did I just do?!!?! I was doing so well. No calories all day..and then. My mom decides to pick up fast food for us and my sick aunt. And my stupid fucking weak self decided to eat.
Sighhh. I know I need it.
Food is Life.
But who care's about living if your fat?
So. Much. GUILT.
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 380
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Posted July 24th 2012 at 03:17 PM by escape♥
Updated July 24th 2012 at 03:25 PM by escape♥
I don't know how to put into words how I feel. I don't know how to blog about how I'm slowly slipping back into my old ways, into the darkness. I don't know how to tell you that I want to die. I want to never wake up.
I don't know how to tell you that I'm starving again. I don't need food if I'm a fat ass.
I could go into this long rant about my self-hatred and what not, ...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 435
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Posted July 21st 2012 at 02:17 PM by escape♥
Updated July 22nd 2012 at 01:58 AM by escape♥
Yesterday, I had therapy. I really needed it, the voice was screaming at me, constantly.
"Your not good enough! Get off your fat ass and loose some weight! As long as your thin, nothing else matters! You want to be perfect, right?!" Etc, etc etc. 
I was reading something a while ago about how it doesn't matter if your thin if your dead, and immediatly my eating disorder says: "Who cares if your dead as long as your thin. The thinnest. I know you would do anything...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 370
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Posted July 17th 2012 at 02:19 AM by escape♥
So, I find this song somewhat triggering (ED) and somewhat hopeful. Its so true, and sad, but its still pretty good. And it pretty much describes how I feel at the moment, so here you go.
Courage by Superchick
*I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 315
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Posted July 7th 2012 at 02:56 AM by escape♥
Updated July 7th 2012 at 01:35 PM by escape♥
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of yelling.
I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of pretending.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of feeling crazy.
I'm tired of feeling stuck.
I'm tired of needing help.
I'm tired of remembering.
I'm tired of worrying.
I'm tired of being different.
I'm tired of cutting.
I'm tired of missing people.
I'm tired of feeling worthless.
I'm tired of wanting...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 292
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Posted June 29th 2012 at 01:38 PM by escape♥
How do I even explain what's racing through my head right now? Never good enough, never deep enough, never thin enough. Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice myself up. Cut deeper than ever before last night. You could see the fat of my thigh in the cut, and yet, it doesn't hurt anymore. It even started healing, and I hate it. I WANT to feel the pain..does that even make sense? Probably not. I doubt anyone will even read this.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling nonsense. Never lost enough weight, never cut deep...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 265
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Posted June 19th 2012 at 09:20 PM by escape♥
It's raining like the world's ending. I love it.  I'm proud of myself in a sense. Today, I was restricting. Counting every calorie, feeling the emptyness, counting my excersize, etc. I was doing SO WELL.  But then I decided I was hungry, and I realized, do I really want to go back to that? Do I really want to have to explain to my parents yet again why I am doing this? Do I really want this? And I decided, No. I don't want this. I just want to be perfect and that's impossible. So, I ate...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 344
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Posted June 17th 2012 at 02:27 AM by escape♥
I am trying so hard.
I really am. I'm not trying to sound selfish, but I am hanging in there for all dear life.
But, there are always people that need help. Those people on the forums talking about how they are so close to over dosing, or cutting again, or spiraling in their eating disorder, etc. I don't care if I die, or if I go back to my old habits, I just want to help them. They deserve it. But I am starting to realize that no matter what I tell them, or what advice I give them,...
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Happiness is waiting for you<3
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Views 248
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