How could I possibly have an eating disorder? I'm overweight. Always have been, since kindergarten. I'm not some stick thin girl. I'm FAT. Seriously, don't comment on this say "oh hunn your so beautiful" or some shit like that. That's BULLSHIT. I'm obese, legit, BMI says so and everything.
If I'm so overweight, how the FUCK do I have Bulimia?! Like, that's basically impossible....

I don't think I can do this anymore. This eating disorder is controlling my life. Constantly blocking out the thoughts, the feelings, the urges. Constantly making sure I'm eating, making sure no one knows. I'm so done. I broke down and purged my breakfast earlier. I felt so much relief, but immediatly regretted it.
I talked to my dad about having problems again, and I emailed my former psychologist....

So, I have an eating disorder. That is still so hard to just, type. I still think of people with eating disorders as [edited], and beautiful. But thats not always the case, like me for instance.

Today has been, difficult. My parents made me clean my room. and I kept finding little trinkets from when my eating disorder had control of my life. It was really triggering.
...

I wait all day for the nighttime to come, and then it does, and slaps me in the face.
Mother fucker. -.-

I was struggling today, but managed to do okay. The minute the night hits, like I was waiting for, I loose control. It's so bad right now, I don't think its ever been this bad.

The urges. God the urges. I'm so close to slicing into this vein on my wrist that I can feel...

This darkness, its overwhelming. I watch a figure skating show, and they're so beautiful..all I can think is "I'm so fat. Why can't I look like them?! Why?? I've always wanted to ice skate..but I'm too fat. God I just wanna cut this away."

God. I'm just sitting here. All alone, practically in tears.

I need to be happy. For the people I love. I cannot break down, I cannot die. I..MUST be happy.

But I don't want to be. I want to be in this...

Coldplay- Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high...

I can't really explain how i feel, but i'm going to try.

I feel on the verge of bursting into tears, and yet in a "i dont give a fuck" mood...I talked to one of my friends i hadn't stayed in touch with last night over FB. I thought she had quit cutting, especially since she was inpatient for a while, but i was wrong...

Today me and E had an arguement..partly because im so extremely emotional all of the time, and he ran out of meds (schizophrenia...

I don't know where to start? ugh. i want this to end. All of this pain, this stupidity. I wanna watch my blood flow out of my body, into a tub of water, and watch the water turn pink with my beautiful blood.
just..make it stop. I want to die, i want to be peaceful and relaxed and not stressed out or relapsing or self-harming or crying or anything thing else. I want to die. it's not that hard..i could just find some pills and take a hand-ful of them. make sure i write a suicide...

So as some of you may know, my parents have informed my little brother and I that we will probably move this summer. We may or may not stay in the same school district. (I'm a freshman in highschool).
Today i had a major realization that in a day and a half, school will end for the year, and i will probably not see my favorite people ever again. it was very very..depressing. I also realized today that i should probably not read so many self-harm threads because as the pre-fix says,...

Hey you guys. So this is my first post in my blog, and I thought i would tell you more about me.

So my name is Paula :3, my favorite color is indigo (blueish purple), my current boyfriend is to be known on here as E, and i love music.

So today was an alright day i guess /: After lunch (i'm in high school, btw) i was in math class, and i was really depressed and was having some suicidal thoughts. && then i found a rubber band and snapped the rubber band...